Live Like Music
by Jena Rink
Summary: Post Series Finale--10 years after Jude left Toronto for a record deal in London, she returns to face her past, and new surprises. Jommy, angsty. Give it a chance. Updated today with a VERY large post. many chapters in one. please review!
1. Chapter 1

Live Like Music, Part One by Jena Rink

This takes place about 10 years after the series finale of Instant Star. More to be explained later. I'm excited to be writing again and I hope you enjoy. :D

**I made a few edits. Kudos to you if you can figure out what I changed, and I'm SORRY for the delay...I got wrapped up in my crazy denial of Instant Star, the show that has given all of us so much, being over so suddenly and with so many lose ends! **

**With that said, I've been on the Daily Discussion board at DLS for the last few days distracting myself, I read all of BellaDanaes fic Always and Forever Yours, my mom got shingles, and I got food poisoning.**

**So I'll give you a double update...I suppose. Tee hee.**

**Jena **

Disclaimer: I dont own the characters, but I came up with the plotline.I paced nervously, staring down at the freshly waxed hardwood floors outside of his hospital room. The lights were reflecting off the freshly painted walls. It made me feel like I was in an insane asylum. As if I was going crazy by being back in Toronto. I hadn't seen anyone since that night ten years ago. After I moved to London and signed with Columbia. After I left Tommy. After everything fell apart. I played with the star ring on my finger nervously,continuously twisting it while keeping an eye out, and saw Sadie at the end of the hallway. My hair was so long now that it fell in a curtain around my face, hiding me from most people realizing I was Canada's own first Instant Star. My hair was a honey blonde color, more close to my natural color it used to be. But I didn't feel like myself at all. And I was still alone. Grown up, finally. But alone.

"Why are you even here?" Sadie asked me bluntly, and I swallowed, glancing up at her. She didn't look much different. Forever 21 had given way to Liz Lange Maternity Wear, and Her now shorter hair was pulled back at the nape of her neck in a bun. If she had elastic in her jeans no one was noticing. She looked flawless as always.

As opposed to me, my leggings, Oxford sweatshirt, glasses, and Uggs, my hair poofy from the humidity and rain in Toronto and starting to curl. My eye makeup was three days old, and I really needed to brush my teeth. But here I was, my cellphone and rental car keys clutched possessively in my palm.

"He's my father too..." I whispered. She didn't know. No one knew. I saw Darius at the end of the hallway talking on his cell phone and closed my eyes tightly for a moment, fighting back tears. It was a wonder I'd even managed to save my career after what had happened with my third album. Still my favorite album. I couldn't listen to it without a pint of ice cream and Mason on standby to keep me from doing something stupid.

"He hasn't seen you in over ten years...none of us have...what right do you have to just burst..."I shook my head quickly.

"Why don't you just butt out, Sadie?" I asked her, my voice on edge, and she frowned at the tone in my voice, about to open her mouth to respond when I cut her off, staring down the hallway at my mother, my eyes wide.

"Someone want to let Darius know that this hospital doesn't allow cell phones?" I questioned, avoiding the once over Kwest was giving me. I didn't look a day over twenty. I knew I didn't. Part of the perk of being an international pop star was that you had someone constantly fawning over your every appearance, whether it was grabbing groceries, heading into the studio, or going to the Grammys. Even in leggings and sweats I looked like a pop star. And I hated it. Because all I wanted to do was disappear.

"He's asking for your Miss Harrison..."I swallowed, turning to stare at the door.

"Hi dad..."I breathed, and he managed to turn his head to the side, a small on his face.

"You came back..."he managed, and I nodded, a tear slipping down my face.

"Yeah..."I whispered, sinking down into a chair next to his and grabbing his hand.

"You're such a star Jude...it's what you always wanted..."he said, his eyes clouded over. He still loved me. It was unfair. I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve anything anymore. I'd practically sold my soul to start my forth album in London, doing anything Columbia records wanted and going back to school so I could actually get a degree in Music Production. And now I was one of their top producer/songwriters.

"I didn't want any of it if I couldn't have a family, dad..."I said, brushing my thumb across his knuckles, our eyes locking, "Sadie hates me...dad I don't know how I can look her in the eyes without telling her about..."he cut me off, his breath laboured.

"Your daughter..."he muttered, and I frowned,"Lucy Harrison..."he added on a slight cough, and my eyes widened. She had a name? Was that even the name? I didn't ask. I didn't want to know anything about her once I found out she was stillborn. I already had enough going on. In the nine months I'd been gone, Tommy had released an album. And not just any album, Frozen. It was funny how the misery brought out the best of us.

"Dad...you're delerious...who's Lucy?"I whispered, feeling how cold his fingers were against mine.

"She had your hair and Tommy's eyes...honey I'm so sorry..."he started coughing, and I handed him a glass of water, watching him drink it, feeling sick to my stomach. He couldn't be serious. I didn't come back here to hear about my dead daughter. My legs were shaking and I wasn't sure if I could stand.

"I don't want to know about her..."I whispered, my voice quivering. Being so close to where everything had fallen apart in the first place made me think too much about those last few months when I was happy. When I was happy with him, and before everything fell apart. Before I lost him. Before I lied.

"Jude there's something I need to tell you.."he pressed,"Her name is Lucy...she's...9..."I couldn't stop the tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn't even know when I started crying.

"Dad..."I whispered, and he shook his head, using all his strengh to pull my hands close to his and squeeze them tightly.

"Find her, Jude...please find her..."he responded, and I choked back a sob, rapidly feeling like I was going to vomit.

"Promise me..."he pressed

"I promise..."I managed, kissing his forehead,"I love you dad..."I said,"I'll always love you, okay?"

"I'll love you too kid..."he breathed,"Be happy...please..."I nodded.

"Your sister?"he asked, and I nodded.

"I'll get her...I love you..."I managed, about to fall over, and made my way out into the hall, where Sadie was glaring at me, I motioned to dad's room before barely making it to the trashcan and emptying the contents of my stomach until I was dry heaving. I dimly felt someone holding my hair back and rubbing my lower back in small circles.

When I finally managed to sit up, I saw a bottled water thrust towards my face, and downed it, sinking down onto the couch behind me, glancing up, my eyes wide.

"Oh my god..."I managed, my eyes wide. And...what do you think?  
It's a lot to handle in one part. Usually my parts are like...twenty pages long...  
I'll try and get back into that habit.


	2. Chapter 2 & 3!

**Live Like Music**

**Jena Rink**

**Parts 2 and 3!**

**Double the pleasure, double the fun! No seriously...there is smut in this.**

**haha**

"God Jude...you're all grown up," he hugged me against him, and I almost broke down again, clinging to him. He'd been the only person I'd attempted to make contact with the entire time I was gone. He'd visited me once in London a few years back, and we talked every once in a while through email. He was the only one I trusted.

"I could say the same about you," I said, sniffling, my voice shaking, and his eyes narrowed. He was sizing me up. He was trying to figure out what was wrong. I knew it. He used to do this all the time.

"This may be a stupid question...but, what's wrong?" he started, and I shook my head, hugging him against me again, aware everyone was staring.

"He doesn't have much time left...I should have come back sooner, I shouldn't have completely..." He grabbed my hands, squeezing them tightly. He knew I was rambling to try to distract him.

"Something tells me that's not the whole reason why you threw up what looks like two breakfasts and a lunch over there," he responded, staring down at me. "Dude," he added, and I whacked him on the arm.

"Dirty pull, Vin," I managed, my tears staining his shirt while I fought back a choked giggle. Despite everything, he always could manage to make me laugh.

"Come on, let's get you outta here. You need some coffee?"

I nodded wordlessly, keeping my hand firmly in his as we navigated the hallways to the double doors which led to the cafeteria.

"Just so you know, I'm also going to get you some gum...your breath reeks."

I hit him again as he opened the door, and we were blinded by a camera flash.

"God, EJ is going to kill me," I said softly, once we were sitting in a secluded corner of the cafeteria and watching snow fall outside the windows.

"EJ? As in Asian Canadian crazy fashionista?" he asked, and I shrugged, groaning when my phone rang.

"I can't believe you were on Entertainment tonight in leggings and a sweat shirt! Have I taught you anything at all?" I held the phone slightly away from my ear to let her continue to rant, and took a sip of my coffee, reveling in the warmth that slid down my throat.

"I hopped a Concorde at 2 in the morning, EJ, I didn't think anyone would notice except for you," I said honestly.

"You're wearing the same eye makeup you wore to Ian's birthday party!"

"My dad is dying! Who cares?" I said, a bit louder than I had intended, and closed my eyes tightly.

"Are you in public?" she asked me harshly. I could just see her standing there with her hands on her hips in Studio One so that no one could hear her screaming at me.

"Yeah I'm in public, with my fucking family, yay!" I said sarcastically, trying to distract myself from the fact that I had a daughter I'd thought was dead for ten years.

"They'd understand," she ventured.

"No, they wouldn't understand...just...can you talk to Georgia for me? Get her to approve a month or two off?" I asked her, and Speid tapped his fingers idly on the tabletop while he listened in on my conversation. He was such a bad spy.

"Why?"

"Because of what happened the first year I was in London, " I replied , and heard her pause on the other side.

"Yeah, Jude, I'll talk to her, but you know I can't guarantee anything. Okay, well I'm going to let you go. If you need anything else don't hesitate to call. I'll prepare a statement saying you're taking personal time off and we can go from there, okay sweetie?"

I sighed. "Thanks, EJ, you're the best," I muttered.

As I hung up the phone I stared at Speiderman. "So...I saw your babies' pictures in People last year. Cute kids," I whispered, and he sighed.

He reached across the table and grabbed my hands. "You need to tell someone what's really going on here," he pleaded.

"You mean, why I left?" I ventured quietly, and he lifted my chin. I knew it was more than that. Speid always could see right through the walls I put up around everyone else.

"Why you're twenty pounds skinnier than you should be, why you never called any of us...why you took the contract in London instead of staying?" he said cautiously. He didn't want to scare me away again. I could tell.

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell you that yet," I whispered, and he nodded.

"Well you can stay at my place, okay?"

I glanced up in surprise. "Speid, you don't have-"

He shook his head and put his finger on my lips, effectively cutting me off. A few seconds later, he moved his finger. He watched me carefully as I finished my coffee. "You're jetlagged, yeah?"

I nodded tiredly, forcing a small smile. He took my empty cup and tossed it into the trash. Following him out into the hallway, I wasn't prepared for the reporters or the onslaught of questions being hurled at me from all directions.

"Miss Harrison, what are you doing back in Toronto after all these years?"

"Miss Harrison, did your sudden move to Columbia records in London have anything to do with Tom Quincy?"

I felt my knees growing weak as we walked through the throng of people.

"Miss Harrison!"

"Miss Harrison!"

I felt my legs give out from underneath me, and fell backwards. Someone caught me before I hit the ground. Everything got fuzzy, and I could have sworn I saw Tommy's face above mine.

"She's malnourished, she's clearly not sleeping enough...do any of you know anything that would make her do this?" I heard the doctor say hazily.

I lay there, pretending to be asleep so that I wouldn't have to face reality. I was so exhausted, inside and out. I didn't want to face him, either. I'd heard his voice and could feel him in the room. It was like he was standing there ominously, waiting for me to wake up so he could yell, or I could yell, or someone could yell...

"I have an idea," Speid said, and Tommy coughed.

"Vincent, she left me, not the other way around," he said, his voice, rough but smooth, enticing me to try to open my eyes just so that I could look at him. His stubbled square jaw line, his beautiful caramel colored skin that I used to not be able to kiss enough, his lips...his eyes. Her eyes...I clenched my hands into fists, and Speiderman clearly noticed.

"You need to leave," he told Tommy, trying to be forceful. The effect he was going for wasn't accomplished. Speid ordering Tommy around sounded like a poodle ordering around a rabid German shepherd.

"I didn't do this to her from across the pond, alright?" he said, his anger clearly showing.

"Stop fighting," I mumbled, my throat dry, my tounge almost limp and my words slurred.

"She's drugged, don't pay attention to her," Speid told Tommy, and I cracked an eye open.

"Cut it out. I have enough crap going on without the two of you going all testosterone and peeing all over each other." I had the distinct memory that I'd said that before.

"Deja Vu," Tommy muttered, our eyes locking for a brief moment before I turned my head away quickly, staring at the wall.

"I should get back to the studio. I have a deadline," he added quickly, almost rushing to get out of the room. To get away from me.

"Thanks for catching me," I whispered, and he nodded quickly before disappearing out the door.

"Well if that wasn't opening a can of awkward I don't know what is," Speid said, and I ran a hand through my hair.

"Speid when I left I was pregnant," I blurted out before I could stop myself, and his eyes popped open in shock.

"Say WHAT?" he asked, his voice slightly strained.

**So...here's the second part of le double post. It includes a flashback.**

**Sorry it took so long for me to update!**

Live Like Music  
Jena Rink  
June 20, 2008  
So this has a little smut in it. Maybe a little kinky-ness as well. (you can thank the beta for that, but I think it's hilarious...I giggled at her suggestion and decided to include it in the post)  
I dont own instant star  
And italics indicate flashbacks.  
MUCH LOVE!  
Jena

She was still beautiful. But her eyes looked haunted. They lacked the light Tommy had grown accustomed to seeing in her eyes during those last few weeks before she had left. Just catching her and staring down at her face had erased all of this anger instantly. She looked so fragile. So broken. Nothing like the Jude he'd fallen in love with. He practically fled from the room, all thoughts of confiding in her flying out the window.

He mindlessly played with the controls on the soundboard, staring through the glass as Milo sang another one of his angsty guitar laden diddies that always seemed to get him to the top of the charts.

"Hey, Quincy!" Milo called, and he glanced up. "The playback is over, do you want me to sing it again?"

Tommy sighed, and nodded.

Kwest pushed the intercom button and looked over at Milo. "Take a break, we've been at this for hours," Kwest said, and Tommy turned to stare at him, slightly agitated.

"Since when was it your job to dictate my artists' schedules?" he questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"T, you're exhausted, you need to go home and rest," Kwest pointed out.

"If I'm not busy I think about her," he admitted, sliding his chair back and getting up, walking towards the door. "Finish the song for me, I need some air."

He was halfway to the door leading to the alley when he'd heard D yell across the room. "Hey T - you busy?"

He turned to stare at D. "What did you need?" he asked, running a hand through his hair nervously, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"You and Quincy?" Speid made a face which was almost comical, and I nodded.

"Many a time, actually," I responded quietly, playing with the edge of the blanket to distract myself. I wasn't sure if telling Speid was the right thing to do. But this search could take months, years even, and how did I even know that my dad wasn't just rambling. That he hadn't just named the child before they'd buried her? She had a headstone. I used to visit it. Bring her flowers. There was only one way to find out, and if I didn't have anyone to help me I might go crazy.

"So...is that why-"

I cut him off. "That's part of the reason why I left." I didn't want to tell him the full story, just telling him about Lucy should be enough to fend off his curiousity.

"What's the-"

"I really don't want to get into it, Speid," I said honestly, and he nodded.

"It's okay dude, I get it."

"I need to find my daughter. I think she might be alive. I know my dad's pretty hopped up on the painkillers, but he mentioned a name," I paused, gauging his reaction.

"And the name would be?" Speid asked, and I sighed.

"Lucy, Lucy Harrison," I said quietly, and he snorted.

"Your child would be named after angel dust, dude," he said, and I rolled my eyes. He continued, "And you had her..."

"About five months after I left," I responded quickly, trying not to think about what had led to thatnight at the rehearsal space. The night when I let Tommy back into my life, and the morning after...

_Light ebbed and flowed across the room, and I opened my eyes slowly, disoriented. I couldn't remember exactly what I was doing here. Strong arms were wrapped around my torso, pulling me against naked flesh. It was cold in the room, but I was warmer than I'd been in months. Why had I even slept at the rehearsal space?  
His arms were wrapped around me, holding me against him almost desperately even in his sleep, and his lips were peppering kisses across the back of my neck. His thumbs were grasping at my hipbones, scalding me with their touch. And we were undressed. Completely undressed._

_I closed my eyes tightly, wanting to fight off anything akin to conciousness long enough to forget the last few days. It was difficult to forget. The look in Megan's eyes, the chain around my ankle, the song, my tearful admission that I still loved Tommy, that I couldn't stop loving him as much as I wanted to._

_Tommy..._

_Although the lovemaking last night had been slow, intense, both of us familiarizing ourselves with each other again, trying to remember it made it fade into a blur. I remembered kissing him, passionately, sliding into his lap, and the rest faded when I tried to think about it._

_There hadn't been much talking. Maybe because I wanted to avoid the subject, but my uncomfortableness of the situation faded as I turned to face him, a slight smile on my face at his bedhead._

_"Hi," I breathed, "It's seven thirty, don't we have to be at the studio soon?" I questioned._

_"No studio...sleep," he whispered, laying back and pulling me to rest on top of him, my head in the crook of his shoulder, his morning wood pressing against my upper thigh. I bit my lip, suppressing a giggle._

_"Happy to see me, Tommy?" I questioned, smirking, leaning up to kiss his neck, his jawline, and finally his lips, our tounges dueling as he flipped me over, his hand reaching up to fist in my hair. God, I loved it when he did that._

_"I love you," he murmured, his fingers trailing across my stomach and between my legs. I gasped, and he put a finger to my lips.  
"We have to get to work, Tommy," I said against his lips, and he shook his head._

_"Gotta be quiet, remember? Body guard," he reminded me, and I nodded, wrapping my hand around him and stroking him slowly. He bit his lip, and I rubbed my thumb against his tip, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth gently._

_He spread my legs, and I sighed when he pressed two fingers into me, arching up against him as he sped up the pace. He felt amazing. Like I was coming home._

_"Tommy...I need..."_

_He positioned my legs around his waist, and I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding when he entered me fully, his lips against my throat._

_"You feel so good," he whispered, and I whimpered as he sped up, my hips moving to meet his thrusts, our legs tangled together._

_I grabbed his shoulders, and he met my eyes._

_"I love you," I said, leaning forwards to eskimo kiss him as we neared our release. I cried out, and he groaned, collapsing against me as we came together._

_I moaned against him, and he smiled against my lips. I would've liked nothing better than to have spent the whole day locked away inside the rehearsal space wrapped in Tommy's arms. But unfortunately, we had an album to finish._

_"We smell like sex," he pointed out, wrapping his arms around my waist again as he rolled off of me. "We should shower," he added knowingly._

_"Quincy we would not get clean in the shower and you know it, plus it's just us in the booth, no one will know," I said, pulling on my jeans._

_He pulled me back against him, and I turned my head to see his cocky grin. "I know it's just us in the booth," he said huskily, and I gulped._

_"Prevert," I muttered, leaning up to peck him on the lips. "Get dressed...we have an album to remix." I handed him my underwear and his eyes widened in realization._

_"Kinky Harrison. Me likes." He raised his eyebrows at me suggestively as he slipped my underwear on and moved them slowly up his thighs. My underwear were extremely tight on him, but I had to admit, I enjoyed the view. I'd begun to daydream about how much fun it could be to take those undies back off of him again when he'd interrupted my thoughts._

_"So, you want to go get some coffee?" he asked slapping my butt, and I rolled my eyes as we opened the door and came face to face with Big Lou._

_"Hi," we said together, unable to keep the smiles off of our faces. We followed Big Lou down to the waiting car nervously, and two Carmel Machiatos later we were in the car outside of GMajor. And I wasn't sure I was ready to face the waiting paparazzi._

_"Here," Tommy said, handing me his sunglasses, and I grinned._

_"My knight in shining armor," I joked, pecking him on the lips quickly before exiting the limo, his arm possesively around my waist._

_"JUDE! Are you and Tommy Q back together?"_

_We walked inside quickly, ignoring the comments. Taking off the glasses, I blinked furiously trying to get my eyes to adjust to the bright lights and leaned up to kiss him softly._

_I noticed Darius staring at us out of the corner of my eye, but I ignored it._

_Darius had had his own ideas about my music. And about me. And about Tommy. And I really wasn't sure if I was ready to let anyone know what role he'd had in my leaving._

"Earth to space case," Speid said, and I sighed.

"Get my clothes, would you? I need to get out of here. I need a bacon cheeseburger."

He smiled and nodded, pausing at the door. "We'll find her dude, I promise," he said quietly, before closing the door and leaving me alone with my memories.

So?


	3. Chapter 4 Lucy

1Double Post! (I'll have the next part up very soon after this!)

Love you all for reviewing, and my beta being fantastic.

:D

Jena

The classroom was busy. Every student was giggling and chatting about the summer vacations they'd had, while she sat against the wall, tapping out a rhythm on her desk with a pen, staring down at the lyrics in her notebook, biting her lower lip. She was younger than the rest of the class because she'd always been sent to another private school during the summer, which had allowed her to skip ahead two grades so far, and she felt completely out of place in this roomful of 11 year olds. She always felt out of place. Like she didn't belong in this snooty private school in this stupid uniform, like she didn't belong in school at all. She was smart, very smart, and school came naturally to her, but she didn't want to be there.

"Miss Anders..."

Her head snapped up, her chocolate covered locks falling around her shoulders, and her pen fell to the floor. She sighed.

"Yes?" she questioned, her voice meek. Her bright blue eyes betrayed her annoyance at the teacher's tone.

"Can you give us the answer to the problem on the board?"

She frowned, staring at the problem, and solved it in her head before answering. "Five and three fourths," she responded quickly, reaching down to grab her pen.

"Very good," the teacher said, continuing to drone on, while Lucy looked around until her eyes found the clock. When the bell rang, she was first out the door, practically running down the hallway.

He was leaning against the door, waiting for her. He was tall, skinny, and had dark brown hair and brown eyes, which lit up when he saw her coming down the hallway towards him.

They'd met at summer camp three years before. Lucy's adoptive parents had basically put her through nanny after nanny, and the only friend she'd had was Jake. They'd hit it off instantly that summer at music camp, and he'd become her best friend and protector almost instantly.

"Jake! You're back!" she said giddily. "How was London?" she questioned, pulling back to stare up at him.

"It was fun, but I missed you. I got you a birthday present," he said, pulling away to smile down at her.

"My birthday isn't until..."  
"I know, Luce, but I couldn't resist. It's at my parents."

He grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the car that was waiting.

"Hi James," she called to the driver, who was waiting beside the car, holding open the door.

"Hello, Miss. How was your first day back?"

"Bad as always," she commented as she climbed into the back seat. Leaning her head against Jake's shoulder, she glanced over at the window, lost in her own thoughts.

He grabbed her hand, squeezing it, and she glanced up at him.

"You're upset," Jake noted, and she shook her head.

"I haven't seen Nora and David in three weeks," she commented, leaning against him. "Can I just stay at your place?"

"Sure. My parents are in Hilton Head," he responded, and she smiled as they pulled up to his house.

"Come on," he encouraged her excitedly. As he pulled her in the door, they bypassed the butler and ended up in his room.

A huge familiarly-shaped box was in the middle of the room, and her eyes widened.

"Jake, you didn't," she breathed. He sat down on the floor next to the box, Lucy quickly following.

"Open it," he urged. "My mom thought it would be perfect."

She reached out and opened the box slowly. Upon seeing a guitar case, her hands began shaking. She'd always wanted a guitar, but her parents never would let her have one. They thought rock and roll music was horrible, and as a result, Lucy was very good at playing the violin and piano, but had never gotten to play a guitar, let alone have one.

She opened the case, and squeaked.

"Oh my God..."she breathed, running her fingers over it." Jake, I don't know what to say...it's...wow..." she whispered, at a loss for words.

/pictures/1088b/1953-Gibson-SJ-(#GIA0150).jpg

"I take it you like it, then?" he asked, and she nodded, practically tackling him with a hug until she was resting on top of him.

"My mom said you could keep it here, so your parents don't take it," he said, leaning into her until their noses were touching.

"You're so great, you know that?" Lucy asked, and Jake did something she didn't expect. He kissed her on the cheek. Quickly. Her eyes popped open in shock, and she stared at him tentatively. When he moved in to kiss her on the other cheek, Her eyes widened, and she moved her head. She must have moved too fast for him, because instead of the kiss she was expecting, she'd felt his head bump into hers. Rubbing her head, she laughed softly.

"Wow," she whispered, rolling off of him and staring at the ceiling, her eyes unfocused. She'd never been kissed before. She was probably the first person in her grade to have been kissed. Even on the cheek!

"Was that okay? Did I hurt you?" he asked, worried, and she started giggling. Did he hurt her? It was just his lips! Oh, he meant did he hurt her head! She couldn't stop laughing for at least five minutes, and when she did, he was staring at her, an eyebrow cocked.

"You didn't hurt me," she assured him, her cheeks flushed from laughter. "Come on, let's go play Guitar Hero," she added as she got up and pulled him to his feet. She walked out the door and didn't see him as he stared at her, a confused look on his face.

She poked her head back in the door. "You coming?"

He nodded his head twice before following her into the next room.


	4. Chapter 5 The Flashback

1Live Like Music  
Jena Rink  
June 30, 2008  
The flashback of all flashbacks.  
This should answer your questions...for the most part.  
Its also 10 pages long! So yay you!  
And the song Lost is by Coldplay. It is on their new album, which is absolutely fannnntastic.  
Thanks for the reviews...yay.  
After everyone reads this I'll post an explanation. I know there will be questions about Lucy that I dont want to answer up here..because..then you'd know and the reading 10 pages would TOTALLY not be worth it. Meh.I'm not sticking the flashback in itallics because this whole 10 pages is a flashback, save for the first paragraph.I'm so sorry you had to wait a week, that's why Im positing this in its entirety.  
I figured you've been waiting so why not spoil you a little. "TYPEPICT;ALTWink"  
And I dont own instant star.

As I waited for Speiderman, I thought about the past. I was hiding in a supply closet while he found a way out of the hospital that didn't include the press, my mother, Sadie, Darius, or Tommy. How had things gotten so fucked up? It had all started with that simple pregnancy test. The fact that I was throwing up every morning had obviously caught the attention of Lou, and I'd gotten home from the studio one night to see a pregnancy test on the counter. It was mocking me.

I was an idiot for leaving Tommy, I was an idiot for leaving everything. Everyone. Sure, I hated Darius. I hated that he hadn't believed in me, I hated that he'd just thrown me aside like I hadn't made him money in the past, like I didn't matter. But I still had a say in the studio. Columbia was talking about getting me a songwriter. It was as if the well had dried up. But I knew what was causing it.

I remembered standing in the bathroom of my loft, my breath shaky, staring down at the counter like it could attack at any second. I paced back and forth, staring at the bathroom sink with trepidation.

November 10, 2008

I paced back and forth, staring at the bathroom sink with trepidation. Oh my god...oh my god, oh my god, _ohmygod_. Two minutes could ruin everything. Fast. I was locked in the contract here. I loved London, so much. I loved everything about it. But I missed him. I'd been distracting myself from it, and then I started getting sick from it. And then I thought that maybe we hadn't been as careful as we thought. And then I realized. I was in London, alone. Not only had I left Tommy, he'd let me go.

And then the phone rang, and I picked it up mindlessly, my eyes widening at the tiny plus sign that could potentially cause a hell of a lot of problems. I had my first class in the morning, followed by a studio session. How the hell was I supposed to handle this. Any of this?

"Jude? You there?" I blinked, glancing away from the pregnancy test and into the mirror. I was fucked. I was totally and completely fucked. And alone. Besides Big Lou.

"Uhm...yeah...hi Sadie." My voice shook and I cursed mentally. She was totally going to be able to tell that something was wrong.

"Are you okay? You're freaking me out with the silent treatment, Jude."

I could hear the concern in her voice, and I sighed, trying to think on my toes and distract her. "I just saw a spider, you know how much I hate spiders," I said all in a rush.

"Oh-kay...Well I just called to say I'd be in London in March for World Instant Star. I wont have a lot of free time but I'd love to see you. Maybe you could take me shopping?"

I could hear her smile through the phone. Darius was romancing the crap out of Sadie. Everyone could see it except Sadie. And while we're on the subject, who cared about shopping at a time like this? I was an international rockstar, pregnant with my ex-fiance/producer/boyfriend's baby! I was only eighteen. I could barely breathe. I'd given him up and I was so scared that I couldn't do it alone.

"That sounds awesome Sades!" I said, faking enthusiasm.

"Great! How's everything?"

"Um...as well as can be expected I guess?" I threw the test in the trash so I wouldn't have to look at it.

"Crap I have to go, Darius needs-"

Of course he does. The sooner I got off the phone the less I'd have to lie. "It's okay! I have to go grocery shopping anyways. You can read all about it in next weeks People magazine," I joked, trying to lighten the mood." Love you," I added as an afterthought.

"Love you too!" she responded, hanging up the phone and leaving me to stare down at the paparazzi outside my apartment.  
"Super," I muttered, glancing over at the door.

"Hey Lou! Wanna go get some groceries?" Big Lou had been the only person that had come along for my London adventure.

"Sure JuJu..."

I rolled my eyes, glancing up at him for a minute. "I want to try and cook myself dinner," I announced to him.

"I think half the adventure is going to be going to the market," he reminded me as we walked down the stairs. "And the other half is going to be watching you try to cook," he sniggered, and I punched him in the arm.

"And that's why I have you!" I reminded him, smiling and donning my sunglasses as we walked through the throng of paparazzi.

"Where are you going, Jude?"

"To get groceries! Imagine! Stars doing their own shopping!" I said sarcastically, walking down the sidewalk and into the store.

I couldn't see where I was going ,and when I got to the store, I ran right into someone. Her groceries fell everywhere.

"Oh god...I'm so sorry! I was temporarily blinded by the flashes!" I said, and she glanced up.

"Jude?"

My eyes widened with surprise. "Oh my god," I breathed, a smile breaking out onto my face. "Georgia!" I hugged her, almost desperate for a familiar face. I think she noticed.

"Something's the matter isn't it?" she asked me point blank, and I glanced down. She did always know me. I nodded quickly.

"Um...want to come over for dinner?" I asked her quietly, glancing at the paparazzi. She nodded, completely understanding.

"Mind if I bring EJ? She's been, and I quote 'Dying to tell you that your hair is completely fantastic!'" she mocked, and I smiled weakly.

"Yeah...that would be awesome..." I finished, glancing up at Big Lou. "I live at 401 Birch, the top floor. And is seven okay?" I asked her, my eyes desperate.

"That sounds great!" she said, and hugged me again."I'll see you at seven, okay?"  
"Okay," I waved as she walked off with her groceries.

Later on that evening, I straightened my clothes nervously, surprised I'd managed to make pasta without cooking it into mush. I was so nervous.  
How could I begin to even tell anyone about this?

I heard a knock on the door, and sighed. I opened the door and saw Georgia and EJ.

"Oh, Jude! Look at you! You got a fashion sense and everything!" EJ squealed, and hugged me tightly. I smiled.

"Thanks, I guess..." I mumbled, and Georgia frowned.

"What's the matter? I know you wanted to say something to me in the store-"

"I'm pregnant," I blurted out. Surprised at my own audacity, I slapped a hand over my mouth.

"Jude..." EJ whispered, and Georgia's eyes widened in realization.

"Tommy's the father," I added. "He doesn't know yet. But before I left, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes...and then I...I just...I needed my own adventure...and now..." My voice cracked and I put a hand protectively over my stomach. "I need him," I finished in a whisper.

"He's coming in a few months to Judge World Instant Star," EJ pointed out, and my head snapped up.

"Oh, god, what do I do? As much as I need him, I can't drag him into this, you know?" I took a deep breath and looked at them frantically, trying hard to make them understand. "I can't! I just broke his heart! We didn't even talk about us before I left!" I sank onto the couch.. "He can't know," I said, my voice trailing off.

"Jude he'll find out. Everyone will find out." EJ's quiet voice expressed those fears I'd tried to hide from, and I cried harder as Georgia gave her a stern look.

"I'll wear baggy clothes," I said quietly.

"Are you going to keep-"

I cut EJ off. "I have to," I said softly. "I'll push my enrollment back a year at Oxford, finish my next album quickly, do the publicity...and disappear for six months," I said, and EJ shook her head.

"Well you're sure as hell not doing this alone. We'll help. Since Darius isn't your manager anymore, you'll need help," she said quickly, and I smiled through my tears.

"You don't-"

"We do, Jude, we're practically family, and you don't have anyone here but us. Face it, you're stuck with us," EJ said simply, as Georgia handed me a tissue.

"It'll be okay," Georgia promised. "EJ will take you shopping and we'll get you a bunch of clothes to hide it."

I wiped my eyes and stole a look at EJ, and noticed she looked way more excited about the prospect of taking me shopping than I was.

"Okay," I breathed, glancing up at them. "Well, now that that's settled," I let out a shaky laugh. "I made pasta," I added, motioning to the table.

March 2009:

I stood nervously at the arrivals gate, waiting for Sadie to come through. And there she was, practically tackling me into a hug.

"You're glowing!" she gushed, and I sighed, faking a smile. If only she knew. I was seven months pregnant. But you could hardly tell. The doctor said it was just because of my body type. And since it was winter, I'd been able to hide it easily. I'd just found out I would be having a girl.

"I missed you...a lot, " I said honestly, hugging her again as Lou led us to the limo.

"So what's the plan, baby sister?" she asked, and I cringed inwardly.

"When does D get here again?" I asked her, and she frowned.

"Friday, which means we have three days of bliss before I have to go into business mode..."

"Sadie, I have to as-"

"Tommy's coming with Darius...just so your prepared. He's a mess, Jude," Sadie said softly, and I bit my lip.

"I'm sorry, I just can't deal with it," I whispered, leaning back in my seat. "He's angry with me," I added quietly. "He won't return my phone calls...I just, want us to be friends...so badly."

"You broke his heart, Jude, I doubt that any type of friendship-"

I cut her off. "You don't get it! I'll never stop loving Tommy, OK? But it can't work. It won't..."  
"Only because you wont let it!" Sadie said, and I shook my head.

"Stop, okay?" I told her, as the car came to a halt. We got out silently, and I twisted the ring on my left hand nervously. I still couldn't take it off. Every time I tried I remembered the look on his face when he asked me to marry him. "I don't want to hang out with you if all I have to listen to is you whining about Tommy's unhappiness!" I burst out, and her mouth opened and closed.

"When did you become so selfish?" she questioned, and I closed my eyes tightly.

"Sadie..." I started, and she shook her head.

"I think I'd rather stay at the hotel with everyone else," she said quietly, and I shook my head.

"Sadie please...wait...I'm so-"

"No you're not! You're wrapped up in this new diva world you've created! I'll see you later." She grabbed her suitcase and walked down the street, taking out her cellphone and angrily talking into it as she rounded the corner.

"I have to tell him EJ."

EJ stopped mid bite of salad, her mouth dropping open.

"Oh no, no you don't Jude. He'll become all Prince Tommy, coming to the rescue. It's not the best idea, the press will make you out to be some whore on the run who persuaded Tommy into coming back just because you were expecting..." she said, before taking a sip of her drink.

"Its going to be in the papers, EJ! I can't just sweep this under the rug, it'll be a media frenzy! And if he doesn't know about her, if I don't tell him about her and he finds out through the press, then maybe I'll never get to see him again. Maybe he'll hate me more than he already does," I explained, dipping a pickle in peanut butter and shoving it in my mouth, much to her disdain.

"Couldn't you have cravings that aren't so gross?" she asked bluntly, and I rolled my eyes.

"Couldn't you eat something besides salads and tofu?" I asked her, as Georgia walked in the room.

"Jude, Tommy called me yesterday. He wanted to have lunch with me, catch up," she said, and I swallowed nervously. "I'm supposed to meet him at two, and I know it's short notice...but I was figuring, I could send you to the studio instead...the two of you could catch up?"

"That sounds perfect," I said nervously, rubbing my hands together.  
"It'll be fine. Remember...he does still love you," Georgia said, and ruffled the top of my hair. I wrinkled my nose.

I glanced down at my watch and realized if I wanted to be at the studio in time to meet him, I'd better get going. "Wish me luck," I whispered, leaving them alone in the almost finished nursery.

The studio was relatively empty, and I saw a light on in one of the offices. I moved to open the door and gasped in surprise. "Darius!"

"Jude Harrison, to what do I owe this pleasure..." Darius always looked so smug. It made me sick.

"I need to see Tommy," I whispered, my hand resting protectively over my stomach. He noticed, and frowned.

"No," he responded, and I narrowed my eyes.

"You are NOT keeping me away from him, no matter how angry he is with me. I need to tell him something," I pressed nervously.

"Have you told anyone else you're expecting?" Darius questioned, and my eyes widened.

"Darius..." I started, and he put a hand up.

"If you tell him, he'll move here to take care of you. He's finally getting the solo career that he always wanted, and if you tell him, I'll make sure he never works in the music industry again," Darius said, and my eyes filled with tears.

"What? Darius I just need to see him," I pleaded, tears falling down my cheeks.

"Tom doesn't need you anymore...and I don't need you messing up my business," Darius said, and I sighed.

"You remember when I was your business D? I need to tell him...you know he'll just come after me...if he finds out..."I said, trying to take an agressive standpoint,"He'll still come...he will...and you'll lose another artist..."

"He'll be under contract, Jude,"Darius reminded me.

"He hasn't signed?" I questioned. Damnit Tommy. You weren't even in the room and you were making things difficult for me.

"And he'll never sign a contract again,"Darius reminded me, his eyes cold.  
"Screw you," I breathed, turning on my heel, intent of getting out of the room before Tommy caught me and saw.

"Jude?" I spun around, my eyes widening with shock. Shit.

Tommy stared at me from across the room, and I shook my head, walking towards the door. He caught up to me and grabbed my arm.

"You're upset," he said, concerned, turning me to face him.

"Let GO of me," I whispered, shaking, and he frowned.

"What's wrong?" he pressed gently, running his hands up my arms, and I shook my head, fighting to get away from him.

"Let me GO Tommy...now," I said, my voice harsh, and he flinched.

"Why are you suddenly angry? You left me, not the other way around!" he said, his voice rising slightly.

"I did, and yet here you are!" I said back. This would be so much easier if he hated me. So much easier. I took a step back, and Darius sighed.

"Could you take your argument elsewhere, please? I have work to do-"

I let my anger get the best of me. "Fuck you, Darius," I said softly, and he raised an eyebrow.

"Excuse me -" he started, and I shook my head.

"We were done talking anyways, weren't we?" I asked Tommy snidely, and his eyes narrowed in confusion. He didn't know what he'd done wrong. I turned on my heel again, practically running towards the door.

"Jude stop! I'm sorry I didn't call-"

"I don't love you!" I yelled, turning around to stare at him, and twisting off the ring. "I'm sorry if that's what you were expecting..." I couldn't meet his eyes. I took off the ring and handed it to him.. He tried to press it back into my hand, and I shook my head, tears in my eyes.

"You're lying!" Tommy said softly. I was tearing him apart. I wanted to stop. But I couldn't. The right words to make him see I didn't care so Darius would let him record just came out of nowhere, and flew out of my mouth before I could stop them.  
"No I'm not Tommy! I used you...I used you for the money to fix my album, I used you for press exposure, and now I'm a star...All I ever wanted was to be a star," I said, fighting back tears and keeping my expression blank. He stared at me in shock for a moment, and opened his mouth to respond..

"You're dead to me," he responded simply, and my mouth dropped open. "Just, leave," he added, his eyes cold, staring straight at me. "I was right when I told you you were poison...you destroy everything you come into contact with...I wish I'd never met-"

I couldn't let him finish the sentence. I turned and walked shakily out of the room, leaning against the wall in the hallway, my breath coming in short pants.

"Oh god..."I breathed, walking slowly out the door and into the alley,"Ohgodohgod...oh..." I slid down the brick wall, my head in my hands, shaking uncontrollably. Those words he'd said to me were physically tearing at my insides.

The stabbing pain in my stomach surprised me, and my eyes widened. It continued, and I tried to get up again, and fell forwards, catching myself on my hands and knees and scratching my hands and legs.

"Tommy..." I whispered, as the world went black and I fell into a heap in the alley.

When I woke up, a familiar face was staring down at me.

"D-Dad?" I breathed, adjusting to my surroundings.

"Thank god! You've been asleep for a week," he said. "I was worried." He grabbed my hands lightly, and my eyes widened when I looked down at my stomach.

"Daddy?" I questioned meekly. It was flat. My stomach was too flat. I frantically pushed aside the hospital gown that was covering my stomach and gasped. There was a long cut running across it, stiches made perfectly.

"Honey I'm so sorry," he whispered. "When I got here...they told me the baby was stillborn."

I stared at him, my mouth open, tears trailing down my cheeks. "No, she's not dead, she can't be dead," I whispered. It would have been alright. She was the last piece of Tommy I had left. And now she was gone. And I would never, ever be the same.

"Tommy found you in the alley," Stuart pressed softly. "Honey, did he-"

"He doesn't know does he?" I asked, my eyes wide and frightened.

"No honey, he has no idea. He brought you here, then called me. He told me he didn't want anything more to do with you, and I was on the next flight."  
I fought back the bile rising in my throat and stared at the window, rain pelting angrily against it.

"Jude, why didn't you tell me? I could have helped."

I cut him off. "I need a piece of paper and a pen," I breathed, and he frowned.

"Jude, you need to rest," he started, and I cut him off with a look.

"I need to write."

The words came easily. I hadn't written much since I'd left Toronto, but this song felt like it had been bubbling inside of me and was desperate to get out.

_Just because I'm losing  
Doesn't mean I'm lost  
Doesn't mean I'll stop  
Doesn't mean I will cross _

The room was finally bare. I'd gotten rid of all the baby furniture, all the sonagrams. I couldn't stand to look at them. They made me sick.

"What are you going to do with this room?" EJ asked, her hand on my shoulder, and I shrugged.

"Um...I want to build a studio," I said, my voice trailing off, and tears coming into my eyes. "I'm sorry..."I whispered, walking out of the room and up the stairs to my bedroom, staring at the picture on my bed stand of Tommy and me at Speid's wedding to Karma. His eyes were staring into mine and my smile lit up the entire picture. I picked it up, and threw it at the wall, an angry cry escaping my lips.

I could never go back there. I just couldn't. Seeing all of them again. Seeing Darius. Darius ruined my life. It's funny how someone can make you a star and then take away everything you care about within a matter of minutes.

_Just because I'm hurting  
Doesn't mean I'm hurt  
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve  
No better and no worse _

Jude stared at the speaker phone, her eyes narrowed.

"So he signed it?" I questioned, my voice tired, filled with relief. I could hear Sadie's frown over the phone.

"He brought all your stuff over to the house. Anything with you and him in it, Jude,"she said quietly,"I asked him why and he said because he couldn't see you. Couldn't look at you, couldn't listen to you...what did you do to him?"

"I told him the truth?" I offered, my voice squeaking.

"You're still wrapped up in yourself!"she accused, and I shook my head.

"Don't pretend you know what I'm going through Sadie...it's not fair..."

"Not fair?" Sadie questioned, her tone rising,"I'm on my way over to his apartment to make sure he's let go of the bottle long enough to actually sing for this fucking contract he's signed, which by the way, says he'll never see, be in the same room with, or be at the same event with you. Ever..."she yelled,"You're a bitch..."she added, and I glanced up at the studio door as it opened.

"If that's the way I feel maybe I should amend my contract to make sure I'm never in the same room with someone who obviously has no idea what's going on in my head any more..."I ventured.

"You're going to shut me out too?" she questioned.

"Bye..."I muttered, closing the phone before I burst into tears.

_I just got lost  
Every river that I've tried to cross  
Every door I ever tried was locked  
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off... _

It was raining the day I went to see her tombstone for the first time. It was tiny, and I placed a single rose on it, glad it was late so no one could see me. I could never properly mourn the girl that could have changed my life. It was so unfair.

"Your daddy would have loved you," I breathed shakily, running my fingers across the simple inscription of my last name. I'd never named her. Hot tears slid down my face, but I made no move to wipe them away.

"I'm so sorry baby..." I whispered. I stayed out in the rain for three hours, and when I came back to the apartment, Big Lou was waiting, a cup of tea in hand.

"Thanks..."I croaked, and he sighed.

"Juju..."he started, and I should my head.

"Please don't..." I breathed, stepping past him and heading for the shower.

_You might be a big fish  
In a little pond Doesn't mean you've won  
'Cause along may come  
A bigger one  
And you'll be lost_

Every river that you tried to cross  
Every gun you ever held went off  
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing starts 

So??


	5. Chapter 5,6,7,8

Live Like Music

A long overdue update (about six updates previously posted on DLS)

Jena Rink

April 2009

_I dont own instant star_

_Italics are flashbacks-or if they are noted as such they are flashbacks as well. I'm trying to seperate the scenes with SOMETHING. Its hard they keep disappearing. _

Little Authors Note-

_I've been dealing with a lot life wise the last few (8) months. My dad got cancer & passed away and things are just getting back to normal. Funny because I guess you do write what you know. I didnt know he had cancer when I wrote this. _

_I hope you're all doing okay and that you're still interested in this. Please let me know. If no one reviews then I'll just know to cease posting it on here and continue to post on DLS._

_Thanks-_

_Jena_

My head lolled against Speiderman's shoulder as the cab dropped us off at his house, which was located in a quiet neighborhood near downtown. I stared at the simple and modest looking brick house in astonishment, before grabbing my carry on and following him in.

"I won the coin toss after the lawsuit....after my first album came out we bought this house," he explained, and I nodded in understanding.

"I just imagined something a little more glamorous, is all," I responded.

"Things changed...once we had Annie..." I glanced down for a minute.

"Sorry,"he apologized, and I shook my head.

"I'm sorry, Vin, I just, what if she's not okay?" I whispered.

"She's a Harrison-Quincy, dude....shes at least going to be dashing. And we both know that looks can get you anywhere these days," he said, wiggling his eyebrows at me, and I sighed.

"I just...I think I need to get some sleep..." I trailed off, wringing my hands.

I jumped at the squeal I heard, and a six year old girl came running down the stairs and jumped into Speid's arms. She had very pale skin, brown eyes, freckles, and strawberry blonde hair.

"Annabelle Speiderman!" he admonished. "Isn't your mother trying to sleep?" she wrinkled her nose.

"Nope...we were watching cartoons!" he said, her face pink.

"Annie, this is my friend Jude Harrison," he said, turning her around and tickling her sides gently. "You should get to bed, but we can all have breakfast together tomorrow, okay? And then you can come to the studio with me."

She smiled, her eyes lit up. "Really?" she asked, and he nodded, kissing her forehead.

"Now go make your mother put you to bed...I love you squirt."

He messed up her hair, and she made a face, running up the stairs.

"It's funny how we all had to grow up in our own ways," I observed, as we made our way upstairs and into the guest room.

"I'll get you some of my sweats, okay?" I nodded, staring at the bathroom door.

"I'm going to take a shower, if that's alright," I replied, and he hugged me against him.

"It's going to be okay, dude," he whispered into my hair, and I nodded, fighting back tears and making my way into the large bathroom, closing the door behind me and starting the water, looking at my reflection in the mirror.

I could hardly recognize myself as the 16 year old who had won instant star with only my guitar and my voice. I was so skinny now, I had dark circles under my eyes, and my hair was long and blonde, falling loosely around my shoulders. I wasn't me.

I pulled off my clothes and stepped into the water, leaning against the back wall of the shower and letting it beat down on me, lost in memories.

_"Let's do it...all of it..." I said quickly, smiling hugely, my heart feeling like it was going to burst out of my chest._

_"Jude, are you-" I nodded, throwing myself at him and hugging him tightly._

_"I'm sure. I love you, Quincy....you're not going to get rid of me that easily." I leaned up and kissed him soundly on the mouth, wrapping my arms around the back of his neck and kicking the door shut behind me._

_"I love you too," he said in between kisses, and my knees went weak._

_"You were already out of breath when you got here, I don't want you to faint." He picked me up and carried me into his living room, then sat down in a large armchair near the fireplace and pulled me down to rest on his lap. His hand rubbed my thigh lightly. My stomach churned with nervousness, suddenly, and I leaned forward, resting my head on his shoulder. As time went on it became my favorite way to cuddle with Tommy. Curled up against him in his favorite chair, his breath tickling the top of my head as we sat in silence._

_"I ran here. I was trying to decide what to do...and it just...hit me halfway down Queen street, and I took off sprinting...and you know how I feel about working out..." I laughed, reminding him, leaning up so our foreheads were touching._

_"Mmmmhmmm.."he murmured, pecking me on the lips softly, lingering._

_"And now I'm exhausted." My eyes sparkled with anticipation,"And all I want to do is crawl into bed..." I said the last part into his ear, turning so I was straddling him. I slowly got up, pulling off my jacket as I went, and took off my shoes, turning back to smile coyly at him before rounding the corner. Taking off my shirt and throwing it out into the hallway, I failed to suppress a giggle._

_"You coming, Quincy?" I called._

_"You have no idea..." he responded, and I heard his footsteps coming around the corner, laughing and taking off up the stairs to his room._

"Dude! You alive in there?" Speiderman asked, and I shook my head slightly, opening the shower curtain halfway and nodding, my mind somewhere else.

"Yep.." I managed, "Sorry," I added.

"You're like a prune," Speid commented, and my eyes widened.

"That's totally what every girl wants to hear..." I said sarcastically grabbing the towel he handed to me, wrapping it around my middle. "And why are you looking, Pervy Mc Perv?" I added, trying to distract him so he wouldn't notice the look in my eyes. Pure nostalgia. I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.

"Jude?" Speid asked hesitantly, and I shook my head.

"I'll um...I'll see you in the morning..." I trailed off, my lower lip trembling.

"Jude," he grabbed my shoulders, and I shook my head.

"I'm going to bed," I managed as I walked past him and closed the door, leaning against it.

I grabbed the sweats, which Speid had placed on a chair, and slipped into them, then jumped when he opened the door.

"Speid, don't..." I said quietly, my voice breaking.

"Don't help you?" he questioned, his eyes hard. "You're so stubborn. I'm not leaving you alone in here tonight, okay dude?" he said, and I finally consented, laying down facing the window, suprised when he laid down behind me, pulling me close to him.

"Thanks," I breathed, and he nodded against me.

"See I'm not always an incredible jackass."

I couldn't help but smile. "The giant chicken missed you."

He laughed.. "I know you're in there somewhere, you know?"

I glanced over my shoulder at him. "I know," I whispered, locking eyes with him for a minute.

"Do you think you could spare a little of your studio time for an old friend tomorrow?" I questioned, biting my lip.

"For song writing?"

"For song recording."

"Sounds great, Jude...now lets get some sleep," He yawned widely, and I nodded.

"By the way, Dude, we dont want a repeat of Rock and Roll Honeymoon season one...at least sleep on the floor...."I said, and he rolled his eyes.

"You're lucky I care about you enough to sleep on the carpet," he remarked, pulling the blanket at the foot of the bed and a pillow onto the floor and curling up, flicking off the bedside lamp.

"Mmmkay..."I mumbled, forgetting about everything for a brief moment and closing my eyes. Forgetting about everything until I was dreaming about Tommy again....

**HSJKDHFLKJSHDLFKJHDSLFKJHSLDKHFLKSJDHFLKJSHDFLKSJHDFLKSJHDFLKSJDH**

When I woke up, Annie was staring at me from the end of the bed, her eyes peeking over the footboard.

"There are pictures of you all over our house," she announced, as if it was information I needed to know about.

I yawned, stretched, and saw Speid asleep uncomfortably on the floor, snoring. I pulled my hair back into a messy bun, sliding off the bed and grabbing her hand.

"I'm one of your daddy's best friends," I told her, as she dragged me to his sleeping form. A grin broke out on her face, and she leant down, blowing a rasberry on his shoulder. He jumped, and I fought back a laugh as she jumped on him, screaming, "WASBERRY! WASBERRY!"

She led us both downstairs enthusiastically, sitting at the kitchen table and digging into her banana pancakes, and I stared at her, a frown creeping onto my face.

I wondered if Lucy got to eat breakfast with her adoptive parents. If she went to a nice school, I'd never know.

"Jude," Karma said, and my eyes widened when she hugged me tightly, "Pancakes?" she questioned, and I nodded distractedly, sinking into a chair next to Annie, who smiled widely at me before stuffing her face with caramelized bananas and whipped cream.

My phone rang, and I stared at the caller id. Georgia, probably telling me to come home. I sighed quietly, and got up, grabbing my phone and stepping into the hallway.

"Hi," I said softly," Did EJ tell..."she cut me off.

"You have three months off, but you're finishing the album in Toronto," Georgia said simply, "I tried to tell them it was more than just your father dying, Jude, but they've put too much money into the album. Mark said he'd pay for studio time once you find a space," I sighed.

"My daughter's alive," I said, walking into the nearest room and closing the door behind me," My dad had her put up for adoption, he thought I couldn't handle it, " I said this all in a rush, and was met with silence on the other end.

"Are you still there?" I asked hesitantly, biting my lip.

"I'll be in Toronto by Friday, you are not doing this alone, okay kiddo?" she said, and I smiled at her nickname for me, "And I'm renting you the penthouse at the Fairmont," she added.

"Georgia I'm perfectly fine at Speid's," I protested.

"I'm hiring a private investigator too," she added.

"I was thinking of making Darius help...after all he was the one that forced this," I breathed.

"I think today you should concentrate on getting some clothes? Toiletries? And a studio. If that includes telling Darius then it does, I'll see you in two days," Georgia said.

"Thank you, "I said quietly, "You're a godsend," I added.

"I'll see you soon kiddo," she hung up, and I walked back into the kitchen.

"Georgia's coming, "I announced to Speiderman, grabbing a big bite of pancake and stuffing it in my mouth. I swallowed it down with milk, and turned back to him, "And I need to go to the mall, for some clothes, I didn't bring any," I added.

"The mall!" Annie said, delighted.

"I'll go with you,"Karma said,"I have the morning off, but I have to go into G-Major later."

Oh joy.

I thumbed through shirts hanging on the rack at the Gap, glancing around me every once in a while to see people staring. Couldn't I buy some tee shirts and jeans without people snapping pictures of me on their cell phone cameras? This was crazy. Two weeks ago I'd been in London, not entirely happy but at least with EJ and Georgia to keep me sane. And here I was, dodging crazy fans at the local Gap while I tried to find something to wear.

"What are the cameras for?" Annie asked me, and I glanced over at Karma, raising an eyebrow.

"Honey, we're famous, Jude and I...cameras always follow us,"she explained, and I rolled my eyes, grabbing a black dress off the rack and holding it against my torso, staring in the mirror.

"What do you think?" I asked Karma tentatively, and she sighed. It was at that moment that I realized that you don't really WANT a dress you wear to a funeral to look stunning, and that I shouldn't care how I looked at all. If the funeral was even soon. He wasn't on life support, and although he was very sick, the doctor had told me over the phone that he had at least a month left to live.

We'd been everywhere in Fairview mall this morning, from Esprit to H&M to The Body Shop, stocking up on everything I might need to stay for a few months. It wasn't worth getting new clothes shipped from London, and Karma seemed to be enjoying herself as we shopped and shopped AND shopped at every single possible store. This was the only mall in Toronto where press was not allowed, so save for the fans with their cell phone cameras, we could shop in peace.

My stomach growled, and I glanced over at Karma, Annie tugging impatiently at her hand.

"Food?" I questioned, and she nodded quickly, both of us moving towards the food court. We hadn't talked much. Karma seemed to realize that the questions she would probably ask me I wouldn't want to answer, so she kept silent. Which were both a blessing and a curse because I almost needed to talk to distract myself from the thoughts running through my head. Lucy, Tommy, all of it.

"Yeah lets just grab something on the way to the studio, I don't do food courts,"she remarked, and I rolled my eyes, following her out to the car and trying to ignore the paparazzi comments.

After a trip to Wendys, we pulled up to G-Major, and I sighed, turning to stare at her, a thought popping into my head. I stuffed the remnants of my bacon cheeseburger into my mouth and chewed quickly.

"You want to take the car home and just come back later?" Karma asked me, and I shook my head.

"There's someone I need to see, actually," I said quietly, getting out of the car with her and walking into G(hyphene)Major quickly, trying to distract myself from the wave of nostalgia that hit me as soon as I walked in the door. So much had happened here.

"Can I help- Oh my god you're Jude Harrison!" the girl said, sticking out her hand eagerly for me to shake it. She had jet black hair that fell in ringlets around her heart shaped face, and bright green eyes, "I'm Sara, it's so great to finally meet you! I've heard so much about you!(space)"she gushed, and I faked a smile.

"It's really great to meet you too, is Darius in by chance?" I asked and she nodded.

"Should I tell-"I shook my head, trying to keep my composure, and walked for the big gold doors. I had to do this. I had to. It was as if ten years of hurt and anger finally caught up with me, and I was unstoppable in my quest. I opened the gold doors without thinking, and came face to face with Tommy, who was in the middle of a heated discussion with Darius.

"No I already checked Paris, and London, and Amsterdam, and the Virgin Islands, and Hawaii, and Los Angeles! When are you going to realize that I'm doing everything I can to help you with this, I screwed-" I cut him off, waving my hand awkwardly.

"Hi," I said shortly, "I need to talk to you," I added to Darius, and Tommy scoffed.

"Can't you see we're in the middle of a conversation?" he asked me, and I crossed my arms angrily.

"Whatever your parachute pant wearing ass wants, I'm sure it can wait five minutes, DuTois," I said, staring at Darius coldly. Darius actually looked frightened at the idea of being alone in a room with me.

"T, I'll come get you to talk about the artist trends later," Darius said, his eyes meeting Tom,s. They seemed to be having some sort of unspoken conversation, and I frowned. Tommy brushed past me on his way out the door, and I caught a whiff of his colonge,(space)mixed with the smell of his hair gel and aftershave, closing my eyes tightly. When the door closed I managed to get moving again, reminding myself that I had to be civil.

"Jude-" Darius started, and I shook my head.

"You don't get to talk," I said suddenly,"You, have screwed up my life in so many ways, whether its Tommy, or the child I supposedly lost ten years ago! Did you think you'd never see me again?" I said, my voice rising.

"Jude I'm loo-"I cut him off again.

"That I'd never get the chance to yell at you? I finally come back, and my father tells me that he put my DAUGHTER up for adoption! My daughter! And I have no idea where she is, or what she's doing! If she's happy! I swear to God Darius, if you don't help me find her, I'm going to the press with it. And you won't like what I have to say about this company OR you!" I said, my voice shaking.

"Okay," he said simply, and I frowned.

"You're just going to help? No questions asked?" I said, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Yes," he responded, "Just, bring me everything you have, anything that might help..."I nodded distractedly.

"I'll bring it by tomorrow," I said, trying to calm down.

"Okay," he responded.

"And I'm going to need the studio for a few days next week," I added, and he nodded again.

"That's fine, just give the receptionist the times and she can fit you in,"

"Studio A,"I responded, and he made a noise a kind to an approval in the back of his throat.

"What's her name?" he asked, and I paused.

"Lucy,"I whispered, my voice cracking.

"I'm sorry about this," he said, his eyes looking sincere.

"This is my life, you've already messed it up once," I said softly, turning towards the door and walking out of it, my mind a mess.

I wasn't looking where I was going, and when I bumped into someone, I fell over. Warm hands caught me around the middle, and I glanced up quickly, my eyes meeting Tommy's hesitantly.

"Thanks," I breathed, steadying myself as he helped me up, my body tingling from where he'd touched me. I stared down at my shoes, and he cleared his throat awkwardly.

"You okay?" he questioned, and I stared at him strangely.

"Aren't you breaking Page Fifteen of your contract, thou shalt never be within a hundred feet of Jude Harrison?" I asked him softly, tilting my head to the side to try and see what he was thinking. His eyes didn't give anything away.

"Didn't you want it that way?" he asked me quietly, confusion in his eyes. I glanced down at my shoes again, trying to think of a response.

"Maybe you should ask Darius why I pushed you away," I said finally, and we both glanced up when someone came down the hallway. I needed to get out of here before he realized there was more to his story than he originally thought.

"Baby, they're ready for you in studio A," she leaned up, kissing his cheek, and I raised an eyebrow.

"Serina, this is Jude," Tommy said, and she looked me up and down. She was beautiful, dark skin, dark hair, nothing like me at all, "Jude this is my girlfriend, Serina," I nodded.

"I love your music," she offered smiling brightly at me. She was nice. That made it hard to hate her.

"I should get back to the hospital, see my dad," I said quickly, turning around to walk towards the door. I could feel Tommy's eyes on my back, and sighed, walking quickly down Queen street to get away from what used to be my life.

There was no use getting angry with myself. I did it for him. I wanted him to be happy, to have a future. I did it because Darius made me, because Tommy deserved his shot at a solo career. And he got it. A Juno and two Grammys later. Two Grammy ceremonies where he wouldn't sit in the same section as me, and wouldn't even go to the same after parties.

I made my way into the nearest Starbucks, ordered my usual black coffee, and sank into a familiar booth by the window.

"Entertainment Weekly said you were back, but I didn't believe them," a voice said, and I turned my head to the side, my eyes widened with surprise.

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"Are you okay?" I turned my head to stare at Serina, and nodded dazedly. She was perfect. Sweet, caring, and kind. And yet all I could think about was what Jude had said to me.

Besides the obvious, what had she meant? Everything I knew pointed to her pushing me away on her own accord. No one had told her to break my heart, she'd just done it. But she was a mess. I could see it looking at her face.

I felt like I was hurting her by not telling her what I knew. Serina, in addition, didn't know about it either. She only knew that Jude and I had been engaged, and Jude had left me to go to London. I felt like I was dragging my girlfriend down into misery along with myself.

"You're not okay, you're thinking about Jude, aren't you?" she said softly. Not accusing. Never accusing. As much as I loved Serina's sweet nature, she lacked the fire that used to fuel Jude and mines relationship. We never fought. We simply talked things out.

She was practically perfect in every way, but all I could think of was wanting the not perfect. Ripped Jeans, guitar calluses and everything. And as of now, having Jude again was impossible. It almost seemed like she was blaming me for something. Something I did, something I couldn't control. Or maybe something she couldn't control. Maybe that's why she looked so guilty. So lost. I just wanted to take her into my arms and make her pain go away.

"Maybe," I confessed, and she sighed.

"It'll be okay, you know?" she asked, leaning her head on my shoulder, and I grabbed her hand with a mock sense of intimacy.

Everything was a shadow of what I'd felt with Jude. Every relationship I had I just compared to the one I had with Jude. Every smile, every laugh, every kiss. It just wasn't the same.

"Thanks," I kissed her softly, and leant away, pecking her on the forehead before going into the booth and grabbing the acoustic.

"Stars Align take four," she said into the mic, sitting back to watch me play, my fingers strumming across the strings.

Now I have tried to find my way with words

That say those things that bring me to sing to everyone

But I wanted it to be this way all along

I'd be a fool to worry you and say

She thought I hated her. That much was obvious. She felt bad for what she had done, but why?

Have we lost our way?

Even what was certain in the days behind

Don't know where we are

We could go so far if the stars align

With Jude and I, it had always been about bad timing. Maybe we could find the right timing. But she seemed to be always alone. She was never linked to celebrities in the tabloids. She kept to herself.

Now you stay true on this long lonesome road

That winds so tightly

Sometimes you hardly can bare

But you wanted it to be this way all along

Are you the fool to worry me and say

Have we lost our way?

Even what was certain in the days behind

Don't know where we are

We could go so far if the stars align

Her voice was a constant reminder of what I'd had with her, what I'd lost. The best work I'd ever done on any album with any artist. It was a constant reminder.

Every time I hear your voice

Deep in the night it felt so far away

You can be sure you're not alone

Remember when you hear me

Remember when you hear me

Say yeah

Our time is here

our path is clear for once in our lives

and this may be one small moment we don't have to say, we don't have say

Have we lost our way?

Even what was certain in the days behind

Don't know where we are, no

We could go so far if the stars align

Have we lost our way?

Even what was certain in the days behind

Don't know where we are

We could go so far if the stars align

We could go so far

We could go so far if the stars align

We could go so far if the stars align

I didn't know what I could do or say to her to convince her that I did care. That I was doing everything in my power to help the situation. Serina was an unfortunate problem in us fixing things. But just seeing her again had convinced me of how much I wanted her still. How much her perfume made me remember her. How her hair glinted in the light, how her eyes could still see into my mind without even trying.

"Babe that was great," I glanced up for a moment, and imagined it was Jude producing we'd actually married, that she'd actually kept our daughter.

The letter Stuart had sent me had surprised me. He'd told me to try and find Lucy before I told Jude. That it would kill her to know what he'd done. That she'd try and kill him but he was already dying anyways.

So I'd been searching. Everywhere. London, Paris, Rome, nothing. We were running out of places to look. I just hoped she was alright. That she was okay, that she was loved, by someone.

He didn't know why Jude had refused to tell me. Why she'd almost broken out in hysterics when Stuart had told her I'd been the one to bring her to the hospital.

But I intended to find out.

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New York, New York, Present-

I frantically searched through my bedroom, stuffing the essentials into my Louis Vuitton Roll away luggage. Thank God she was passed out drunk, or high. You could never be sure with her. I brushed the tears out of my eyes angrily, stuffing a pair of sweatpants into the bag. Thank God she wasn't my mother. The eye opening experience I'd had about an hour ago was still haunting me.

I'd walked in the house, intent on sneaking right back out to go and practice my guitar at Jake's.

Martini Weilding Mommy Dearest was waiting in the hallway.

"Lucy, darling, could I speak with you for a second, we have some things to discuss," she slurred, and I rolled my eyes.

"Sure Nora," I mumbled, following her into the living room and kicking off my Mary Janes, plopping

down on a poof next to the couch she was currently lounging on and staring at her expectantly.

"David and I are getting a divorce," she said simply, and my jaw dropped.

"Say what?" I whispered.

"He's always away on business," she explained simply, like she could just explain away an

over ten year marriage so simply. Her eyes narrowed, and I frowned,"And by the way, Lucy,

your guitar teacher called," my face paled," She was raving about your progress," she added,

getting up, and walking towards me.

"I like the guitar, I hate the violin," I said simply, crossing my arms, and staring at her.

"Your whore of a mother played the guitar," she said, her inebriation getting the best of her, and I frowned.

"My mother?" I whispered.

"Did you honestly think I'd given birth to you? I adopted you, in London," she explained,"Because your mother's producer couldn't keep it in his pants,"

"In his what?" I responded, tears prickling at the back of my eyes.

"We're leaving for Paris on Tuesday, so I suggest you pack the essentials," she added, and

I blocked the doorway when she tried to leave.

"Where's David?" I asked her, and she sneered at me.

"In Toronto, away from us,"

"I want to stay here with David," I pressed, and she rolled her eyes.

"He doesn't want you, Lucy, and I only adopted you because he wanted a daughter. Some things

can't be helped, now can they?" she questioned, and I knocked the glass out of her hands.

And then she hit me. I stared up at her in shock.

"Go. Pack." she commanded.

I'd raced upstairs, and here I was, making the craziest decision I'd ever made. I was barely in middle school and I was running away from home.

I grabbed all my Tiffany's Jewelry, my journal, and my piggy bank, stuffing them in my backpack and walking towards the office, seeing Nora still passed out on the living room, the glass still on the ground.

I reached for the wooden filing cabinets, digging through the files as quietly as possible. My eyes came across my file, and I grabbed the entire thing, dumping the contents into my backpack. If she didn't want me, if he didn't want me, then I wouldn't stay. I couldn't.

I snuck out the front door once the maids had gone for the day, and hailed a cab tiredly, climbing inside with my luggage.

"Where to, love?" the cab driver asked, and I closed my eyes tightly. This was the time to be a grown up.

"Grand Central," I finally said softly, holding my backpack close to me, not realizing what was inside.

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Present Day-Toronto-

"Oh my God...hi..."I breathed, getting up to give him a long hug, hearing the clicking of paparazzi behind us. I couldn't even get a cup of coffee these days,"How are you? I missed you!"

"I'm great, just producing for Jamie...doing back up guitar for various projects...and you?" he asked, sitting down on the other side of the table, eyeing me expectantly.

"I'm...."I trailed off, wrinkling my eyebrow,"I just had a run in with Tommy..."

"Dude that must have not been good..."he ventured, and I shook my head.

"I don't know..there's so much history between us, you know?" I asked, leaning my head on my hand, staring over at him.

"He was really torn up when he came back from London...he didn't say he'd seen you, but it was like he was the old Tommy Quincy again...always with a different girl every day of the week, but never committing....you know?" I nodded.

"Yeah I know...that's what I've been doing for the last ten years too..."I said softly, glancing over at the paparazzi.

"A different girl every day of the week, Kinky Harrison...me likey..."I whacked him on the arm, stifling a laugh.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it..."I said, laughing.

"You're really skinny..."he commented, and I flinched.

"I know...comes with being a size zero...I've become a workout a holic..."I explained.

"No good, Harrison...."he said simply, leaning back to give me the once over,"Your boobs got smaller..."he noticed.

"Oh thanks for noticing..."I said sarcastically.

"So what are your plans this afternoon, Lady Harrison?" he asked, and held out his arm,(space)"Shall I accompany the lady to Nana's Basement Records?" he questioned, seeing the directions scrawled on a piece of paper next to my coffee cup.

"I have to go to the hospital first...see my dad..."I said quietly, and he nodded.

"I'll come with you..."he offered.

"Wally you don't-"

"I don't think you want to walk into NBR alone, dude..."he responded quietly,"You missed Jamie's wedding..."he added, and I sighed.

Two years ago, when I'd gotten the invitation, I'd been on world tour, and Columbia had refused to give me a week off due to cost.

"I wanted to be here...the last thing I wanted to do was miss their wedding...Columbia wouldn't budge....I paid for their honeymoon!" I offered, and he shrugged.

"Zepplin's not mad..."Wally countered.

"So Jamie's still acting like a child?" I asked, as we got in a cab.

"He thinks you could have gotten off if you wanted..."Wally explained,"Not to mention when you stopped talking to all of us he was really confused...we all were..."

"Things...happened to me in London, I changed..."I said, and he nodded.

"You look like you stepped off of a runway and into this taxicab..."he commented, and I sighed, glancing down.

"Columbia wanted me to change...I had to change...more so for myself then for anyone else," I whispered.

"Dude, I understand..Speid kept us all updated....even Tommy..."Wally said, and I cringed.

"I'm...oh man..."we pulled up at the hospital, where paparazzi were camping out waiting for me. I pulled my coat tighter around my body, making sure my sunglasses were on securely.

"Come on Wally," I pulled him by the hand through the throng of press, ignoring the questions.

"Is that what your life is always like?" he questioned, when we'd finally gotten up to the Cancer ward of the hospital.

"Pretty much...I can't go grocery shopping without being accosted..."I mumbled, walking down the hallway towards my dad's room. He was sitting up today, attempting to eat. I offered him a small smile, and Wally squeezed my hand.

"I'll wait outside, dude," he said, and I nodded, hearing the door close softly behind us.

"Hi daddy," I breathed, and he managed a weak smile.

"Jude, I'm so glad you're here..."he said softly, grabbing my hand in his, and I sat down on the edge of his bed.

"I got an extension on the album, I'm going to stay as long as I can,"I told him, and his eyes met mine.

"Have you started looking?" he asked, and I nodded.

"Darius is looking...he's um…hiring some private investigators..." I said, taking a sip of my latte.

"Always drinking coffee..."he commented, and I nodded.

"Have you talked to your sister?" he questioned, and I shook my head.

"She's only shooting death glares in my direction, dad, I don't think it's the best-"he cut me off.

"If she knew why you were so distant, maybe she would help you," he ventured softly.

"Dad, why did you do it?" I asked him quietly, and he met my eyes.

"Jude you were nineteen..."he breathed, "You were so young....I was twenty when your mother and I had Sadie...I didn't want you to go through the same thing..."

"Dad, I wanted her....I had a room for her...I..."I trailed off, wiping a tear off of my face, "How could you even have made that decision for me? It wasn't yours to make!" I finished in a harsh whisper, and he shook his head.

"Then why didn't you tell Tommy about her?" he questioned, and I shrugged.

"I was going to...Tommy and I...we...he wanted to be with me, and I'd left him...I wasn't sure if he was going to be alright with being a father...we were both so young...and I was confused...."I said quietly, tears building in my eyes.

"What do you mean you were going to? When he took you to the hospital?" he asked, and I shook my head.

"We were going to go to lunch...he was in London for World Instant Star, and I ran by branch of GMajor to get him....Darius was there....he convinced me not to tell Tommy....Tommy and I got in a fight...and I left....I went into Labor in the alley...and when I woke up...you were there," I summarized, leaving out the most extensive details of all.

"I want you to find her....I do, Jude..."he winced, and squeezed my hand.

"You okay?" I breathed, and he nodded.

"I think you should get some rest....I said quietly,"I'll come back tomorrow...I'll call you tonight," I kissed his forehead,(space)"I love you," I said quietly.

"Tommy would help you find her," he ventured, and I sighed.

"Tommy and I are different people now...I don't want to bring him into this.." I said, "But I'll see you tomorrow, I promise..."I closed the door tightly behind me.

"You ready to face the lion's den?" Wally asked me conversationally, and I gulped.

"Yep...."I breathed, walking outside and calling another cab.

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"Okay, now I'm nervous..." I said, staring up at the massive warehouse that had been converted into a studio.

"You shouldn't be..." Wally countered.

"I gave Jamie $200,000 to finance this place....so technically I'm a co-owner...why am I so nervous?" I muttered, and he frowned.

"Can't you record here?" Wally questioned, and I sighed.

"I made Daruis give me studio B for the next two months..."I explained,"Again, too nervous..."

"And how much did that cost?" Wally questioned.

"Nothing....he just let me.." I said quietly, as we opened the door, walking towards reception.

"Hey Walls..oh my God...." Zepplin said, balancing a stack of files against her very pregnant belly, "Jude! Hi!" she handed the files to Wally and gave me a long hug, "Thank you for the honeymoon! It was amazing...I wanted to thank you in person and now you're actually here!" she said, pulling back to smile at me.

"And you're pregnant!" I said, and she nodded.

"Twins...Jamie is not so excited...more like a nervous wreck..."she explained, "Speid said you were coming, by the way...he's in studio two...the middle one, halfway up the staircase..." she pointed, and I sighed.

"I think maybe I should talk to Jamie first?" I questioned, wringing my hands together.

"He's in the office at the top of the stairs...just...be careful?" Zepplin offered, and I nodded, walking up the stairs cautiously and opening the large glass door without knocking.

Jamie was listening to a band, tapping his fingers to the music on the bookcase, a glass of scotch in his hand. I'd never taken Jamie for a scotch drinker. When the door closed, he glanced up, his eyes narrowed in confusion.

"Jamie this place is beautiful, you did a great job..."I said quietly, waiting hesitantly for his reaction. He didn't respond for a few moments.

"I had a great donation at the last minute...it really helped...."he said gruffly, setting his glass down, "What are you doing here?" he added, and I flinched.

"I'm uhm...I came back...for a while...I didn't think it was fair to avoid you...just because I was afraid you were going to hate me...but I can see that you're angry, so maybe I should just go," I said softly, and he nodded.

"Maybe that'd be a good idea," he commented, and I blinked back tears.

What hurt more than him being angry was his indifference to the situation. He didn't even care. But to be fair, he didn't understand why I'd stopped talking to him. To anyone. He probably felt betrayed.

"I missed you, a lot..."I breathed, "If you decide you want to talk...I'm staying at Speiderman's...." I let the door close behind me. I walked down the stairs to the studio where Speid was quietly.

"Hey! Dude!" he said brightly, and noticed the tears on my face.

"You okay?" he asked, and I nodded.

"I don't think I'm up to writing today...I think I need to relax..."

"I'll get Karma to hire a sitter...."he said, and I frowned.

"For what?" I questioned.

"We're going out..."he said simply, and I nodded.

"That sounds nice," I breathed.

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_I'd been leaning against the back of the booth since shortly after Karma and Speid's party had started, fighting off sleepiness from countless hours in the studio. All I wanted to do was go home and curl up in a nest of blankets and sleep for days. I hadn't had a moment to myself or with Tommy since Darius had insisted I work double hours to finish my album, and help Karma write songs for hers. I was exhausted. And for some reason, Tommy and I hadn't been in the same studio since the day after, well...we'd talked on the phone, but Sadie was keeping me busy, and Speid was keeping me busy with wedding preparations. I just wanted to sleep. My eyes drooped closed before I realized, and when I woke up, it was to a kiss on my forehead._

_"Hi Babe," he breathed against my ear, and I groaned, opening an eye to stare at him lazily._

_"Did you have too many shots?" he questioned, and I grinned at him hazily. Speid and I had gone shot for shot for about an hour right after I had gotten to the party. When I hadn't seen Tommy, I'd approached Speid at the bar._

_"Lady Harrison, where is your knight in shining armor?" Speid questioned, and I shrugged my shoulders._

_"En route, I don't know," I muttered, taking the shot he handed me and downing it._

_Seven shots later I'd found this booth and passed out. And here was Tommy._

_"Just a few," I said, my words slurred, and fell against him, giggling slightly, "I missed you," I added quietly, and he shook his head, a soft smile on his lips._

_"Jude, the press," he reminded me, and I rolled my eyes._

_"The press, Darius, my dad, Sadie, Kwest, who cares?" I breathed, "I'm sorry, I can't keep my hands off of you," I mumbled honestly, grinning up at him._

_"Harrison, you're gonna give me an ego," he said, helping me up._

_"Ego, Schmego, Little Tommy Q isn't so little," I breathed in his ear as he helped me up, and his face turned red._

_"I'm going to take her home," he told everyone, and I nodded tiredly._

_"I don't like it when we don't get to see each other for days," I said honestly, once we were both securely in the Hummer, and he grabbed my hand._

_"I know, girl, I'm sorry," he said honestly, and I stared over at him._

_"Stay with me tonight?" I asked him, and he thought for a moment._

_"Sadie's with Kwest?" he questioned, and I nodded._

_"Yep, she's staying with him tonight," I confirmed tiredly, as he pulled into our driveway, neither one of us noticing Jamie outside smoking a cigarette. He helped me out of the car, and leant me against the side of the car when he grabbed a duffel from his backseat. I arched an eyebrow, smiling over at him._

_"You planned this, yeah?" I questioned, and he brushed the hair off of my forehead, kissing it._

_"Maybe," he said evasively, grabbing my free hand, "You got pop tarts?"_

_"You're sleeping with him?" I dropped his hand, staring at Jamie, who was staring at him in outrage._

_"In what language does Pop tarts mean sleeping together?" I questioned, and Jamie made a face._

_"Jude!" Jamie said, and Tommy snorted._

_"Jamie, I love him...okay?" I said softly, and he shook his head._

_"You know he only wanted you to get in your pants, right?" he asked, and my eyes widened._

_"How the hell do you know what I-" I cut Tommy off, squeezing his hand tightly._

_"Tommy lets go inside," I said, not looking back at Jamie as Tommy followed me inside, locking the door and following me upstairs and into my room, closing the door behind me and setting his bag down._

_"Are you okay?" he asked hesitantly, and I sat down on the edge of the bed, staring out the window. He kneeled down next to me, undoing the straps on my heels and sliding them off of my feet, moving up to sit next to me. I laid my head on his shoulder, and he kissed my temple," I'm sorry this is so difficult, girl, I know you're tired, and I know you're not seeing me as much as you want, but I'm here now," he said, and I glanced over at him, leaning up to nuzzle his nose with mine._

_"I love you," I breathed softly, locking eyes with him, "You're wonderful," I added, "I'm gonna go brush my teeth, wanna..."I motioned to his bag, and he nodded, following me into the bathroom as I turned the water on, grabbing my toothbrush and handing Tommy the toothpaste, our fingers brushing._

_It was so domestic. I loved it. I glanced over at him, watching him hum to himself as he brushed his teeth. If it was even possible, it made him sexier than he already was._

_He pulled off his shirt, undershirt, and pants, folding them and putting them on the bench in the bathroom, leaving his socks on and walking back into the room, I glanced after him, unbuttoning my shirt and leaving it next to his, pulling my skirt and bra off and putting on a wife beater. I washed my face quickly, patting it dry, and walked back into the bedroom, my eyes locking with his._

_"I like this," he admitted, and I blushed, climbing onto the bed, surprised when he pulled me against him, kissing my shoulder, "I want to hold you like this every night," he added, and I snuggled up closer to him._

_"I like this too," I yawned, leaning back to kiss him, his arms pulling me closer as the kiss became heated. When we broke for breath, and leant my head into his chest._

_"Mmmm, minty," I breathed, "Goodnight, Quincy..."_

_"Goodnight babe, love you," he responded._

_"Love you," I yawned, reaching over to click off the light._

_The alarm went off at seven thirty, and I sighed, groaning._

_"Makeitstop," I mumbled, and he grinned against the back of my neck, kissing my shoulder._

_"I got us the day off," he responded tiredly, and I grinned._

_"Really?" I said, yawning hugely, and turned over, staring at him, "Sleep?" I added, and he smiled._

_"Until Ten," he said, kissing me softly._

_"Ugh babe you have morning breath," I breathed, and he sighed._

_"So do you, stinky..."he said, ruffling my hair, and I giggled, stretching._

_"Tommy?" I questioned, meeting his eyes, his morning wood pressed against my inner thigh._

_"Hmm..."he said, reaching up to run his fingers across my stomach lightly, leaning in to kiss me, pulling me against him._

_I palmed his chest, running my hands down his vbone and into his boxers, stroking him softly, staring at him when we broke for breath._

_"Jude," he breathed, his eyes soft, as I pulled his boxers down, his hand hesitantly touching my inner thigh._

_"I want you," I whispered, sighing softly as he pushed two fingers into me. I whimpered, stroking him faster in response._

_"I love you," he murmured, as I kicked my underwear off, pulling him to my entrance and spreading my legs, gasping as he entered me fully, my lips pressing against the base of him._

_"Go harder, please," I said quietly, and he sped up, the only sounds in the room our heavy panting and skin slapping. I tensed as I came, resting my face against his shoulder._

_"God.."I breathed, panting, staring over at him as we disconnected, fighting for breath before I leant back, staring up at the ceiling._

_"Wow," he said finally,and I giggled._

_"That good, huh?" I asked breathlessly, leaning on my elbow, smiling cheekily at him._

_"I could get used to this," I muttered, and he kissed my temple softly._

_"Me too, girl," he said, nuzzling my nose with his._

**HSJKDHFLKJSHDLFKJHDSLFKJHSLDKHFLKSJDHFLKJSHDFLKSJHDFLKSJHDFLKSJDH**

Present-Toronto-

It was those moments when what we had was innocent that I missed the most. I rifled through the bags, searching for something to wear, when Karma poked her head in the door.

"Hey, Jude," she said, and I rolled my eyes.

"Hi.." I breathed, "I can't figure out what to wear.." I said, motioning to the clothes around me scattered on the floor, and she sat down next to me, crossing her legs.

"How about this?" she held up a high waist pencil skirt and a purple top, and I nodded, grabbing a black pair of pumps and earrings to complete the ensemble.

When we walked into the club, it was to paparazzi shooting their cameras in our faces, Speiderman grabbed my hand tightly, and I forced a smile, walking quickly inside and sighing when we were sat in a back booth of the club with the majority of my old friends, including Tommy, who was peppering kisses on the side of Serena's neck. I glanced over at Karma, and she made a face, handing me a drink when the waiter placed them on the table.

"Compliments of Darius Mills," she said, winking at me. I took a long sip and sighed, relaxing back into the cushion of the booth and staring down at my drink silently.

"So Jude, how long are you planning on staying in town?" Kwest asked, and I glanced up at him.

"Um, Columbia gave me an extension on the album, and they're paying for me to finish it here," I responded," So, awhile...I have a few things to take care of, and with dad being so sick..."I trailed off, taking a sip of my drink.

"So you're just going to stay until dad dies and leave?" Sadie interjected, glaring at me, and I glanced over at Karma.

"This wasn't a good idea, I should go,"I said quietly, scooting out of the booth and walking towards the door.

"Why, are you going to run again?" Sadie challenged.

"Sadie I think you should leave her alone," Speid responded, stepping in front of her.

"I think I'd rather just go home, this environment isn't good for the baby," she said, sneering at me, and I glanced over at the bar.

"Karma, come on," I grabbed her forearm and pulled her out of the booth, pulling her to an open spot at the bar and smiled at the bartender.

"Hi," I said, and his eyes widened.

"Oh my god, you're Jude Harrison!" he said, and I glanced over at Karma.

"You wouldn't happen to have Barenjager, would you?" I asked, leaning over, my low-cut shirt working to my advantage.

"You've had Barenjager?" the bartender asked, and I licked my lips.

"In Germany, on tour," I said back, taking the two double shots and handing one to Karma.

"Well Miss Harrison, I'll take care of whatever you need tonight," he responded, and I smiled. He was cute. I hadn't noticed, but Tommy had abandoned Serena's neck and had actually noticed my extistence(existence).

Truth be told, I was too stuck on Sadie to notice Tommy at all. But I felt his eyes on my back, and turned around to take the shot next to Karma, who stared at me, almost in awe.

"What happened to you, Harrison?" she questioned, and I raised an eyebrow.

"I feel like causing trouble tonight, that's all," I commented, sucking on the lemon the bartender handed me before slamming the shots, wincing afterwards.

"Woo," I said, glancing over at her,"Could I have another?" I saw Tommy's eyes widen from the booth, and ignored him, slamming back the next two shots and walking back to join the table, ending up squished between Speiderman and Tommy, my hands on my lap.

"That was a lot of shots back there, Jude," Speid pointed out, and I shrugged.

"Yeah," I commented, taking a long sip of my long island iced tea. Tommy made a noise in the back of his throat, and Serena rolled her eyes.

"Tommy, I'm gonna head home,I have a session at eight am tomorrow," she said, and smiled at all of us, "Bye guys," she slid out of the booth, leaving the boys, me and Karma.

"Jude," Tommy started, and I turned to Kyle.

"Let's dance," I suggested, grabbing his hand, and Tommy's eyebrows rose.

"I don't know what you're trying to do here," Kyle said, and I shrugged.

"Don't you?" I responded.

"Dude, what did Quincy...."I shook my head.

"It's not what he did to me, it's what I did to him, what I did for him, it makes me angry," I confessed quietly, staring over at the booth, where Tommy was glaring at both of us. He got up and walked over, and I glanced up at Kyle, "Maybe you should sit this one out," I told him, and he nodded.

"Good luck," he whispered, leaving me alone with him.

"Wanna dance?" I said conversationally, and Tommy pulled me against him, turning me around to whisper in my ear, his breath hot against my neck. Neither one of us realized how many people were watching us.

"I dont know what you're trying to do," he said,"I'm not mad at you, I'm starting to be annoyed with you, but I know that you lied to me in London,"

"You don't know what you're talking about," I whispered back, turning to face him, my arms looping around his neck,"I did it for you," he laughed.

"For me to what?"he said bitterly, finally giving me a chance to see how much I've hurt him.

"Why don't you ask Darius?" I pressed, our lips centimeters apart.

"I already did," he said quietly.

"Then he didn't tell you everything,"I responded.

"Why don't we just forget about it, just for tonight?" he questioned, "Be civil, and face tomorrow, tomorrow?" he added, and I glanced down for a moment.

"What about your girlfriend?" I asked honestly, and had a thought, my face breaking out into a grin,"Quincy, your girl is lovely," I breathed against his ear, and he stiffened, "I don't think she'd be to happy if she saw us out here, do you?" I added.

"Jude, besides when I was with you, when have I ever been a one woman guy?" he responded, pulling back to stare at me.

"Typical Quincy, back to his old ways," I started, and he shook his head.

"You don't get it...what you did...really..."I cut him off, holding a hand up. We couldn't talk about this now.

"We need to talk, tomorrow," I said back,"No talking tonight..."

"You remember what we did when we weren't talking, Harrison?" he shot back, and I rolled my eyes.

"Seriously, what about Serena..."I pressed against him our eyes locking, and he exhaled nervously. I smiled, raising my eyebrows and staring up at him.

"Darius has me dating Serena so she'll work for GMajor," he explained, and my eyes widened.

"Blackmail...that's hilarious, considering," I mused, staring at him through a haze of alcohol.

"Considering what?" he questioned, and I shook my head.

"Not now...now we dance," I said, leaning my head against his shoulder, reveling in the familiarity.

"Want another shot?" he questioned, running his fingers down my arm to grab my hand. I fought the tingles shooting straight to my spine, and nodded, accepting the feel of my hand in his as he pulled me to the bar.

"So you're suddenly best friends again?" Speid asked me, and I glanced up at Tommy for a minute, a small smile on my face.

"Shut up, Speid," we said together.

"More, barenjager," I told the bartender, flashing him a smile as Tommy's hands slid to my waist, warmthspreading through me.

"Double shots?" he questioned, and I nodded.

"Afraid you can't handle it?"I question.

"You forget that I've already tested the merchandise, girl," he joked softly, his eyes darkening.

"Please, whatever Quincy, I'm not the same as I was," I said, slurring my words slightly. He leant in, his lips against my ear, and my breath caught in my throat, "Quincy, oh my God...is that grey hair?" I giggled, and he cut me off, his eyes serious.

"You smell like strawberry pop tarts, you always have bed head, you can't function without coffee, and you still wear jeans with holes in the knees and black eyeliner" he whispered, "On Weekdays, when you think the paparazzi won't look for you as much," he finished, leaning back to stare at me, his arms crossed over his chest and a knowing smirk on his face.

"Stop," I whispered, our eyes locking, "I can't be that girl..not after what I-"

"Tomorrow, remember?" he reminded me, "Besides, I know that's how you dress, I have all of your tabloids..."my eyes narrowed, "And...You threw away your shopping list and it ended up in People magazine..."he said, and my mouth opened in surprise.

"Stalker much?" I questioned, slamming the shot back and putting my glass back on the counter, wincing slightly. This was dangerous territory. Especially with Tommy.

"It doesn't count if I've seen you naked, girl," he reminded me, wiggling his eyebrows, and I slapped him on the shoulder, "Every tabloid you're in, I keep them in a cabinet at work, in my office."

"That's so gross, Quincy..."I commented, as he took his shot quickly, wincing afterwards.

"You're the one being a pervert right now, who says I don't just like to look at you," he responded, our eyes locking, and he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, "I love your hair like this.."he added quietly, and I glanced down.

"Thanks," I breathed, "Its easier to manage this way," I added, suddenly very nervous.

"EJ always gets mad at me for wearing ripped jeans and black eyeliner...she tells me that I'm almost thirty and I can't...um...be so emo...but I disagree...what would I be without my black eyeliner and ripped jeans...and then she says that I might as well dye my hair red again....and...."he put his hands on my shoulders, and I glanced up at him hesitantly.

"Are you okay?" he questioned, concerned, and I shook my head, "You're rambling...Jude you only ramble when you're-"

"Too much liquor," I mumbled, stumbling slightly. He caught me by the arms, and steered me towards the back exit, out into an alley.

"I figured you needed some air," he offered quietly, and I leant against the brick.

"This is crazy...I haven't talked to you in years...and we're flirting...we shouldn't," Tommy was off in his own drunken world, his eyes were glazed over, and what he said surprised me.

"I found you in an alley," he commented quietly, and my eyes narrowed in confusion.

"What?" I breathed, and he ignored me.

"When I found you..."he pressed, turning to face me, "You were passed out...and you had tear tracks on your face and maybe for one second I thought that you hadn't just broken my heart on purpose..."he pressed, and I closed my eyes tightly.

"Quincy, I've always..."he cut me off, pressing his lips against mine, and I responded eagerly, albeit a little drunkenly, wrapping my arms around his neck to pull him closer.

"See, you still feel something, don't you?" he questioned quietly, searching my eyes. I glanced down, afraid to show him what I was actually feeling. That looking in his eyes would open up a turrent(torrent) of emotions I'd tried so hard to keep locked away.

"We can't do this..."I breathed,"You have a girlfriend...there's too much history..I don't know if I can handle," he cut me off, grabbing my hands lightly.

"Jude," he breathed, saying my name for the first time that night, "Please..."he begged quietly, and tears came to my eyes, "I missed you," he confessed. Some part of me, whether I'd admit it to myself or not, needed another night with Tommy. If anything, to gain the closure I've so desperately been searching for.

"Your place?" I said softly, our eyes locking, and he nodded, grabbing my hand and pulling me through the crowd to our table.

"Speid, we're gonna go..." I said, and Karma's eyes widened, looking over at Speid.

"Jude, are you sure you know what you're doing?" he pressed, and I nodded, my hand securely in Tommy's.

"I'm gonna go get us a cab, girl..."he said, squeezing my hand lightly.

"I need closure..." I said quietly, watching him walk towards the door. Speid scoffed.

"Jude, you broke his heart, are you sure you want to break him more?" Speid asked, and I closed my eyes tightly.

"That's not what I'm doing..."I said, crossing my arms defiantly.

"You have to go back to London when this is all over, Jude, please remember that," he said back, and I turned away from him, walking towards the door.

"You ready to go?" Tommy asked, slipping an arm around my shoulders.

"Yes," I whispered, sliding in the cab when he opened the door for me, leaning against the cold leather, and then Tommy's shoulder, closing my eyes.

"We're here," he whispered in my ear, helping me out of the cab and to the door after paying the driver, his hands fumbling for his keys. He was nervous.

"Hey, let me do it," I said quietly, my buzz slightly wearing off as our hands touched. I got the door open, and glanced over at him.

"You were always so bad with unlocking doors," I mumbled, closing it behind us and placing Tommy's keys on the table.

"Want some tea?" he asked, and I nodded, following him into the kitchen I remembered so well and sitting on a stool against the counter. He turned the kettle on and got two cups ready, sitting next to me silently, reaching out and grabbing my hand, his fingers tracing patterns on the palm.

I shivered, glancing over at him, and he pulled me towards him, our lips meeting in a soft kiss. I leant back against the counter, standing up and pulling him against me as his tongue moved across my lower lip, begging for entrance. I bit his lower lip slightly.

"Jude," he breathed, panting,"The tea..."I fought back a laugh, turning off the stove and grabbing his hand tightly,

"Upstairs," I mumbled against his lips, "Now," I added, jumping up and wrapping my legs around his waist.

We stumbled around the corner and up the stairs, hands groping and lips connected, finally landing on his bed.

He started to unbutton his shirt, and I stopped him, doing it for him, my hands palming the well defined chest that I'd missed.

"Jude..."he breathed hoarsely, "You're wearing too many clothes..."

I pulled my purple halter top over my head quickly, and kicked off my shoes, staring up at him, my hands over my head.

"You're so beautiful," he breathed, leaning down to kiss me, and I met his lips softly, running my hands down his arms and unbuckling his belt.

It was almost as amazing as I had remembered. Like that time in the rehearsal space after I'd been kidnapped. I moaned as his mouth closed around my right breast, his hand kneading the left, sending shocks of pleasure through my body. I didn't realize I was crying until he stopped, brushing my bangs out of my face.

"Jude..."he whispered, "It's okay...I understand," I shook my head, sobs shaking my body.

"I need you..."I whispered back, unable to say his name, as I had been for the majority of the night.

"Look at me," he breathed, unzipping my skirt, and I met his eyes, sighing softly when his hand disappeared beneath my underwear, making me gasp.

He removed my skirt from my body quickly, my underwear following. I kicked off his pants, and wrapped my legs around his waist as he drew himself up and down my slit.

"Please,"I begged, gasping when he entered me in one swift stroke, his mouth muffling my cry.

"Jude..."he breathed, beginning to pull in and out of me slowly, his hands of my waist.

"God," I breathed, squeaking slightly as he upped the pace, his fingers coming down to play with my clit.

"I'm...come-ugh.." my hips jerked off the bed involuntarily, and he groaned in response as I tightened around him, coming himself, resting his head in the crook of my shoulder, and kissing it softly.

"Let's get some sleep, girl," he breathed in my ear, and I nodded, letting him spoon me as I finally fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was disoriented. I tried to move, and moaned slightly, my head throbbing.

"Oh my God..."I moaned, rubbing my temples lightly, the smell of bacon and eggs wafting down the hallway.

"Where am...oh God..."I breathed, taking in Tommy's ceiling, which I hadn't seen for quite some time. He wasn't in bed, but a pair of sweats was at the end of the bed, presumably for me. I pulled them on, pulling my hair back into a messy bun, and stumbled towards the bathroom, washing my face and using some of Tommy's Listerine.

I went downstairs carefully, and finally ended up leaning against the doorframe in the kitchen, staring at Tommy in a pair of pajama pants and a wife beater, working over the stove on what I could smell was a cheese bacon and green pepper omlet(omelet), my mouth watering. I came up to the stove, leaning against it and glancing at him.

"Hi, big eyes," he said, his voice rough, and I glanced down.

"Breakfast?" he questioned, and I nodded.

"The juice is in the fridge," he told me, and I nodded, pulling cups out from their familiar place and filling them with orange juice. We fell into a comfortable silence, eating breakfast together, our hands occasionally touching as we reached for salt, pepper, or more juice.

When we'd finished doing the dishes, he glanced over at me.

"The talk?" he questioned, walking over to the couch. I gulped nervously.

"I didn't want to hurt you like that. it was the last thing I wanted..."I said softly, "I did it for your career..."

"Yesterday you said something about blackmail, and Darius...."he pressed, and I closed my eyes tightly.

"I don't think I'm ready for talking about this,"I said in response, and he grabbed my hand when I tried to get up.

"You broke my heart!" he pressed,"I didn't even know I had a heart until you came along, Jude! And since you've been gone I haven't been with anyone that meant anything near as much as when I was with you!" I was surprised to see tears in his eyes.

"Darius made me say those things to you..." I said vaguely, playing with the sleeves of his sweatshirt, "I missed you, Quincy, I did, as much as I wanted to be okay in London you were all I could think about," he cut me off, "He said he'd...pull your contract, make you unable to have a career...music is your life, what was I supposed-" he cut me off, his gaze hard and angry.

"You were my life," he said back, and my jaw dropped.

"I-"I couldn't find a response, and he shook his head.

"I would have moved to London if you would have let me, Jude, you know that!" he pressed.

"And broken your contract with Darius?" I questioned, "And given up all that you have right now, for me?" I said sarcastically, "Quincy you've broken my heart way more than I've broken yours!"

"You were leaving the office when I got there...what were you running from?"

"I had to tell you something...Darius wouldn't let me...I was angry..."I said softly, staring at my lap, fixated on it.

"Something that would have made me stay?" he responded.

"It was obvious to everyone but you!" I finally said, "Why should I have even given you a chance?"

"What was so obvious?" he looked like he needed me to tell him something, but that he already knew the answer. I wasn't going to tell him, "And why can't you say my name?" he added.

"Because if I say your name I'll let you in again, and I can't do that right now!" I yelled back, getting up and walking up the stairs, "This wasn't us getting back together, Quincy, we cant! We ruin each other's lives!"

"Jude...you only came here last night..."he realized, and I closed my eyes tightly, afraid to look at him.

"Because I thought sleeping with you would help me get over you! You're right...I still feel something..it's eating away at me and I can't-" I grabbed my clothes and my purse, and he shook his head.

"God, get out..."he said quietly," I don't even know you anymore...the Jude I fell in love with-"

"Had to grow up!" I yelled back at him, tears stinging my eyes, "You don't know what I've been through in London, you don't!" He opened his mouth to say something, and closed it.

"Georgia said you don't eat a lot, that you drink more than you should, although not in public, and that three years ago you had an eating disorder!" he ticked off on his fingers, and I frowned.

"Oh screw you..."I breathed, "You got your information from Georgia? Like you honestly still cared about me, you never called! How was I supposed to even think..."

"Remember for one second what you said to me!" he said, and I sighed, "I'll always care about you, Jude! I may be angry with you, I may be frustrated, but I think that if I knew why you were acting like this-"

"I tried to tell you! You couldn't have handled me lying to you! Not about this!"

"About what?" he yelled.

"I can't do this-" I whispered, "My head hurts...I'm tired...."

"Excuses excuses..."he whispered, and I took off down the stairs, intent on beating him there. He was right behind me the whole way.

"Jude don't walk out of here....we need to figure this out," he said a second later, as I reached for the doorknob.

"I've already figured it out...without you...okay? No matter what I feel, or you feel, we can't work...we never did work..."

"I love you..."he said quietly, "I don't know if that means anything to you anymore, but it means something to me!"

"Get over yourself, Tommy, the reason we fell apart, not all of it was about you," I said, stepping outside and slamming the door in his face, wiping tears off of my face and hailing a cab.

"Where to?" the driver asked. I voiced Speid's address mindlessly, handing the cab driver the money a few minutes later and ringing Speiderman's doorbell, swimming in Tommy's clothes, when Karma opened the door.

"Oh my God, you look awful, get inside before the press sees you..."she said, and I obliged to her wishes, sitting on the couch.

"Jude, what happened?" she asked, and I shook my head.

"I uhm..I don't really want to talk about it right now...I need to sleep," I said softly, getting up and padding towards the stairs, hearing my cellphone ring but ignoring it.

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"Darius, I just don't want to work right now, I think you of all people should understand that..."she said, tucking a curl behind her ear as Maya bounced in her lap.

"I understand you not wanting to be in the public eye, but you're good at what you do...you need to integrate back into society...you've been in that hospital for so long..."he trailed off, and she glanced down.

"Look I just want to help Tommy and Jude, what can I do?"

"I really don't think T would accept your help with this, considering you tried to kill him..."Darius said, and Portia flinched.

"Look, I don't see why this is an issue if he doesn't know I'm helping her...the problems that Tommy and Jude had... a lot of them were because of me," she said honestly, "I don't want to hurt them anymore then I already have, Darius..."she said, "I just want to help."

"Then I need you to go to New York City..."he said finally.

"Why?"she questioned, confused.

"Because I think I found their daughter, but I don't want to get their hopes up," Darius said quietly.

"Do either of them know that the other knows that-"

"No," Darius said softly, I don't want to disappoint either of them,"

"Okay, well..send me to the ticket and I'll go...find..."

"Lucy..her name is Lucy...I'll send the address and her parent's names....but if she's happy, Portia...then you shouldn't do anything..."

"Got it," she breathed.

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He stormed upstairs, not really aware of anything but what had just happened. He'd just let her run away. Again. He was so mad at himself. How could he have just lost control like that? And why was she so angry with him? He'd tried to help her...that whole day when she ran into him at D's studio in London, and she'd repeatedly pushed him away.

He grabbed a bottle of whiskey out of the liquor cabinet, and took a long swig, walking towards the master bedroom and slamming the door behind him. It was almost as if he'd just gotten home for London, alone. Just like all those years ago.

**HSJKDHFLKJSHDLFKJHDSLFKJHSLDKHFLKSJDHFLKJSHDFLKSJHDFLKSJHDFLKSJDH**

_"Tommy, you have to be at the studio in two hours...Darius is going to kill me if you don't show..."Sadie begged, holding up an outfit, and he moaned from beneath the pillows._

_"What did I do to deserve this?" he asked her, his voice slightly slurred,"I don't want to go..."he added,sitting up and reaching for the bottle of vodka on his nightstand. Sadie slapped the bottle off the nightstand, watching it break._

_"Why the hell did you do that?" he asked her, his eyes narrowed._

_"Because you finally got a record deal, Tommy! And you need to go record! I've already gotten you three weeks off of work...Darius is worried..."_

_"Darius can fuck off...."he said back, locking eyes with her._

_"Look, maybe you should call her..."she ventured,"Maybe there's an explanation..."he cut her off, shaking his head._

_"She doesn't want to talk to me...she made that very clear...she told me she used me for what she wanted, and now that she got it...I didn't matter anymore," he said, slightly sobering up._

_"What?" Sadie said, her eyes wide,"That doesn't sound like her..."_

_"Apparently I didn't even know my own fiance..."he said softly,"And she didn't love me, at least not like she said she did..."_

_"Tommy please, I'm worried about you...Kwest is worried, we're all worried...you can't let Jude derail your life."_

_"I deserved it...I'm a horrible person...I broke her heart multiple times...its only fair that she broke mine too..."he said miserably._

_"Go get in the shower, please...."Sadie said,"I'll get you something to eat on the way...and try and shave, okay?" he nodded, finally, and walked around the broken glass to the bathroom._

_She waited until the water was turned on to get her cellphone and ring a familiar number. It went straight to voicemail._

_"I hope you realize what you're doing..."she said, after the customary greeting,"Because this is killing him...he wont eat, all he does is drink..."she trailed off,"I hate not talking to you...please call me...love you..."she hung up as he emerged from the bathroom, a towell around his waist._

_"Do you mind?" he questioned, and she sighed._

_"I'll meet you downstairs..."she said, stepping past him, wondering how she could get him out of this funk._

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"Jude, hun, you've been in there for almost a day...."Karma said quietly, leaning against the doorway,"Georgia's downstairs...."she added and I closed my eyes tightly for a moment.

I'd refused to leave the room, I was so immature. Everyone had to know something had happened between me and Tommy. We were all over each other. And we left together. I was glad I didn't have a television in my room. But I hoped for the best. I yawned, stretching, and sat up as Karma opened the door, staring at me sympathetically.

"Jude..."she started, and I shook my head. I looked like crap. If I had to face the public I might as well bathe.

I was such an idiot. Why did I run out of Tommy's house so quickly? Why couldn't I tell him? It almost seemed like he...there was now way he knew about Lucy. It was impossible.

"Lemme take a shower..."I mumbled, making myself stand up and head for the bathroom, not meeting her eyes.

Twenty minutes later, I walked downstairs tiredly in skinny jeans, beige uggs, and a bright blue sweater, seeing Georgia typing into her Blackberry at the bottom of the stairs. She glanced up when I cleared my throat, staring at her awkwardly.

"Hey kiddo, you okay?" she asked,"I booked the suite for you....it'll be ready tonight," she added, and I nodded quickly, giving her a long hug. She was like a mother to me now, she'd done so much.

"Thanks, G," I breathed, and she frowned, giving me a once over.

"You look tired,"she said, and I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

"I'll go get you some coffee Jude," Karma said quickly.

"Well at least EJ will be happy...because I went out," I said, taking a seat on the couch as Karma disappeared into the kitchen, leaving us alone.

"All of the world knows you went out...and that you left with Tom," she pointed out, holding up a newspaper. Oh shit. I was screwed. So was he. I wondered for a moment how he was doing, and then reasoned it was probably about the same that I was doing.

"Oh god..."I breathed, my face paling.

"So, how was it?" EJ added, walking in the door, raising her eyebrows in a suggestive way as I rolled mine. She was so nosy.

"EJ what I did at Quincy's is no one's business but his and mine!" I said, trying to keep my composure.

"We know, Jude, but there's a hoard of press outside of the Fairmont...so you're going to have to say something..." Oh great. This was just great. They were probably camping outside Tommy's too.

"We're not even talking!" I said back, my voice slightly on edge, and they frowned"And the only thing I have to say is 'no comment'!"

"Wait, you...."EJ made a hand motion, and I rolled my eyes, But you're not speaking?" she added, confused.

"We got in a fight," I explained quietly, fidgeting,"He was asking too many questions, and I just...I snapped," I was in desperate need of a change of subject.

"Well maybe we can just have a girl's night in?" EJ questioned,"Call your sister, and..." Georgia cut her off with a look.

"I think Jude might need some time alone," she ventured, and I nodded.

"As much as I love you guys for coming over here,"I started.

"And bringing you clothes!"Ej interjected.

"I need a night to myself...I'm sorry..."I muttered.

"Its okay, I understand how hard this is for you," Georgia said, as Speid walked into the room, an annoyed look on his face. He was avoiding my eyes.

"I have to go," he said quickly, and I frowned.

"Speid," I started, and he turned to face me.

"I have to go take care of someone, someone you messed up, again," he said, an edge to his voice.

"Um, hold on," I held a hand up, following him out the door and down the sidewalk.

"Speid, wait!"

"I don't know what you think you're doing! This is killing him..."he said, not noticing the photographer clicking away.

"Vin, stop..."I reached out for his hand.

"I don't want to talk about what you did, Jude, not now," he said, his voice cold, closing his car door in my face.

I walked back inside, where they were all waiting anxiously, Annie's head peeking out from between Karma's knees.

"I need to eat something...I'll meet you at the Fairmont later...."I said, grabbing my purse off the end table by the door and ignoring the sad look on Annie's face.

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"Tom?" Speiderman closed the door to his apartment, and wrinkled his nose. It smelled like whiskey. He ventured down the hallway, and saw feet sticking out over the edge of a chair, and heard the sound of a guitar being played.

"Jesus, Quincy..."he looked horrible. He had a five o clock shadow, and what looked like a black eye.

"She hates me,"he muttered, glancing up at him,"What did I do to make her so angry? She said something about Darius..."he bent down, scrawling words onto a blank sheet of paper, before playing some chords on his acoustic.

"How much did you drink?" Speiderman asked, and Tom grabbed an empty bottle off the floor.

"I couldn't stop," he muttered,"I had to have her, even if she was just going to leave again," he added, glancing up at Speiderman.

"If it helps, she's been in the guest room of my house for the last day and a half and she won't come out,"Speiderman ventured.

"It doesn't," Tommy responded, his voice slightly slurred.

"I think you need to throw up..."Speid said, watching Tommy's face turn white.

"I think you're right.."Tommy responded, and threw up on the rug.

"God Quincy I don't know why I put up with your antics..come on," Speid said, helping him up the stairs, one arm over his shoulders.

"She slept here every night, you know? She'd sneak out of her house and come stay with me..."Tommy slurred.

"Tommy, you don't....."

"I don't understand why I can't stop thinking about her,"he said, and put a hand to his head slowly.

"Ugh..."he stumbled past Speiderman into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

And Speiderman started to focus on cleaning up Tommy's room, which was a complete disaster. Wadded up pieces of paper thrown everywhere, and his computer open to an email, from Darius.

"Portia thinks she's found Lucy in New York City. She's headed out there for telling Jude, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Darius..."Speiderman read in disbelief, turning off the monitor and focusing on the lyrics scribbled on random pieces of paper, trying to distract himself. Tommy knew? He knew and he wasn't saying anything to her?

He sat down on the floor when he heard the shower turn on, concentrating on the snippets of lyrics.

I shut the world away from here, Drift to you you're all I hear, Everything we know fades to black, Half the time the world is ending, truth is I am done pretending....

Speid stuffed the lyrics into his pocket as the shower turned off, and walked downstairs quickly, heading for the door. He had to find Jude. But he wasn't sure if he could tell her.

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"Another beer, Miss Harrison?" the bartender asked, and I nodded.

"Yeah, a Guinness, please..."I said softly,"Can I see a menu?" I added, at his strange look. He thought I was going to drink my weight in beer. I might.

"Of course..."I was in the restaurant of the Fairmont, sitting at the bar, staring down at my journal, tapping my foot impatiently on the bottom of the stool, a pen in my mouth.

"Can I get the cheeseburger? With Bacon?" I asked him, offering him a small smile.

"And how would you like that cooked?"

"Medium..."I responded softly, staring down at the blank page again.

"She doesn't want pickles..."I turned, staring at Speiderman, my eyes narrowed.

"Are you here to yell at me again?" I questioned, and he frowned.

"Jude, he's a wreck..."

"He said some awful things to me..."

"Well he wouldn't tell me what happened...he was wasted...he drank an entire bottle of Makers Mark..."he said, taking a seat next to me. I winced, and took a long sip of my beer.

"Can I get a Fat Tire?" he asked the bartender, and he nodded, interested in our interaction.

"He wants the t-bone...with steak fries..."I said, and Speid glanced over at me.

"Medium..."he said, staring down at my journal.

"Okay,"the bartender left, and Speid looked intently at me.

"I'm sorry I slept with him..."I blurted out quickly, and Speid's eyes widened,"I can't even say his name and I...I'm such a bitch..."I said, taking another long sip.

"You're not a bitch, Jude..."he said reassuringly,"You can be really selfish sometimes..."I whacked him on the arm, and he winced,"But you're not a bitch...you're just confused..."

"I wish he would realize that.." I murmered(murmured), and he looked down at my journal.

"You writing?" he questioned.

"Trying to, not with success..."I mumbled, as the bartender brought Speid his beer and put utensils and napkins in front of us.

"I'll help you write after dinner..."he offered, and I closed my eyes tightly.

"I don't know if I can think of anything right now..."I said honestly.

"I'll invite Wally and Kyle? Dudes night in?" he questioned, and I finally consented, figuring it would just be all of us wasted and me saying too much.

I was right.

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"I can't believe all this time and none of us have seen your boobs!"Wally commented, and I stared at him in surprise.

"Um, I'm sorry, My boob is still online, no matter how much I don't want it to be!" I responded, slurring a little, and Kyle fought back a laugh.

"Cyber doesn't count," he responded, and I grimaced,"And its boobs we need to see!Not boob!" he clairified, as Wally snickered.

"You guys are so gross, and that's why I love you,"I quipped,"More tequila?" I added, holding up the bottle and walking towards the kitchen.

"Hear hear, Judey Judey," Speid answered, following me.

"I could have seventeen more shots and it wouldn't help me to forget what I did,"I said softly, staring out over the Toronto skyline.

"You need to tell him..."Speid pointed out, and I turned to stare at him.

"He's gonna hate me, so, much," I said, as Wally and Kyle appeared in the doorway.

"Lady Harrison! Are you upset?" Kyle asked, and I nodded.

"Lord Squnity Frown is to blame, and only Monty Python is the cure!" Speid said suddenly picking me and the bottle of tequila up and carrying me to the bedroom.

Three hours later, we were all in a state of semi-consciousness, full of popcorn, liquor, and Twizzlers.

"Ugh, you guys...go sleep in the guest room!" I grumbled, kicking them off the bed, and they all groaned in unison.

"Jude your beds so big!"

"And you all have girlfriends or wives!"

"I like the sound of that...wives," Kyle commented sleepily.

"Get out..."I yawned, and they consented, Wally and Kyle stumbling down the hung back in the doorway.

"You have to tell him," he reminded me.

"I'll tell him soon." I promised, exhaustion taking over.

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It was almost a week later, as I made my way through the customary GMajor Halloween party, that I saw Tommy again, sans Serena, sans model-esque replacement, sans anyone. He looked terrible, walking out of Darius' office and fending off industry girls vying for his attention, his eyes only on me.

I nervously pulled on my schoolgirl costume, glancing down, wondering why Speiderman had convinced me to dress like a complete hooker. And why I was agreeing to do any of this.

I needed to find my daughter, not make moon eyes at my ex fiancee. Darius hadn't said anything. He actually looked kind of stressed out. I sighed, grabbing another drink, and jumped when I felt Tommy grab it from me.

"You shouldn't be drinking so much," he said softly, and I glanced down.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you..."I offered, and he nodded.

"I'm sorry I blew up at you," he responded, and I closed my eyes tightly.

"Do you want to talk? For real this time?" I questioned, and he nodded, glancing around him before grabbing my hand.

"Come on," he said, pulling me down the hallway and into studio C.

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"Come on," he said, pulling me down the hallway and into studio C. He closed the door behind us, and I sunk onto the couch, staring up at him.

"Did you raid a Britney Spears video?" he asked immediately, and I flinched.

"You're not my keeper, Quincy...and Speid pestered me until I said I'd wear it..."I said, glancing down.

"Look I'm sorry, I didn't drag you in here to fight with you...or to oggle at you," Tommy said softly.

"You were oggling?" I responded, as he sunk down next to me.

"Maybe a little..."he adimitted, and I cleared my throat, fighting back the warmth that spread through me as he grabbed my hand, leaning back and staring at the ceiling. I followed, turning my head slightly to stare at him.

"I'm sorry, Tommy..."I breathed, leaning forwards to press a kiss against the side of his mouth hesitantly.

"You said my name..."he realized, and I nodded.

"I need to tell you something..."I said quietly,"And before you get angry with me you have to realize that I just found out...that I didn't know either...okay?" I said, getting more nervous by the second.

"Okay, I promise," Tommy said, leaning on one arm to stare at me.

"I...."I had no idea how to start. Apparently Tommy did, because I had absolutely no idea what he was going to say next.

"Jude, our daughter," he breached the subject uncomfortably, and I dropped his hand quickly, color rising in my cheeks.

"You know? You knew all this time?"I breathed, trying to look through his eyes to see what he was thinking.

"Wait, you know about Lucy?" he asked, and I blinked back tears, nodding quickly.

"That's what Darius wouldn't let you tell me isn't it?"he said, grabbing my hand again.

I quickly nodded, tears flooding my eyes.

"I wanted you to stay...so badly...Georgia sent me to find you..."I broke down, and he sighed, giving me my look, which made me only cry harder.

"Girl..."he pulled me into a hug.

"I'm so sorry Tommy,"I sobbed, and he pulled back, a weird look on his face. I recognized it.

"I'm going to kill him," he remarked, sitting up, and I followed.

"Tommy, no..."I breathed, and he took my hand off of his arm, standing up.

"How could he make you do that? He caused all of this...I thought you were just scared..."he said, walking back towards Darius' office.

"Tommy-"I protested, but he ignored me as everyone stared at us. I sighed, following him into the office and closing the door before he could start screaming.

"I can't believe you made her lie to me! You were pretending you were so helpful, looking for Lucy, and you're the one that caused ALL of this!" Tommy roared, picking up a trophy Darius had sitting on his desk and throwing it at the wall.

"Tommy, stop...."I protested softly, sinking into an armchair, staring at him, my eyes red from tears,"He's helping us now, that's all he can do..."I added.

"She's right, T, I'm looking..."Darius said,"I really do feel bad..."Tommy punched him in the nose, and I got up quickly.

"You feel bad?" he asked, hitting Darius across the face and pushing him against the wall,"You feel BAD that I left Jude in London to lose her only child because you forced her to LIE to me?!" he screamed, repeatedly hitting Darius in the face.I put my drink down and ran out of the office, looking for Kwest.

"Kwest...:"I said, tugging on his arm, and he frowned,"Go get Tommy OFF of Darius..."I said, pointing to the office.

"Oh my God..."Sadie breathed, staring at Tommy, beating the shit out of Darius.

"I need to go home,"I mumbled, and she nodded, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door.

"Dude, are you...."I shook my head.

"Just make sure Tommy's okay," I said, my voice shaking as I heard Kwest try and pull Tommy off of Darius.

It reminded me of when I'd gotten the call about the bar fight. I hadn't seen that side of Tommy in a long time. And I didn't like it. We went to the hotel in a daze.

"Jude-" she opened my hotel room with my key for me, and I plopped down on the loveseat, pulling off my mary janes and stockings.

"I don't want to talk about it..."I responded quietly, searching the cabinets until I found the remainder of the tequila from the night before, grabbing the bottle and taking a long swig.

"Jude what was Tommy screaming about?" she pressed,"Why was he-"I snapped.

"I DON'T want to talk about this..."I responded,"It's not like you tried to see what was going on before..."I added, slightly agitated, reaching for the bottle again.

"Jude, you're drunk, why don't I just get you into bed..." I shook my head, taking astep backwards.

"Sadie, I was pregnant!" I said loudly,"Now can you please, please leave me alone and go back to your fucking happy family so I can be in misery in peace?" I spat out, and her eyes softened.

"Jude," she breathed, and I shook my head, putting a hand up when she tried to come closer.

"Why the hell did you think I pulled away?"I asked her, tears building in my eyes,"Darius made me break Tommy's heart, he MADE me...and Tommy just figured it out...that's why he was kicking Darius' ass, that's why I needed to get out of there..."I trailed off,"I need a drink.."I added lamely.

"Well I'll have a soda water then..."she said softly, walking towards the wet bar as I stared out at the Toronto skyline, wiping tears off my face.

She grabbed another bottle and came to meet me on the couch, pouring me a glass of wine, which I took an extremely long sip of.

"So what...happened?"

"To the baby?" I questioned, taking the drink from her hands and taking a long sip, wincing,"Lucy's out there, somewhere..."I made a motion towards the windows.

"You gave her up for adoption?" I gave her a skeptical look.

"I was asleep, I...went into premature labor, and dad signed the papers....in my name..."I explained softly, afraid to look at her,"Darius was helping me find her...apparently someone told Tommy, but not the whole story, because when I told him what Darius did...he flipped..."there was pounding on the door, and I clenched my eyes shut.

"I'll get it..."Sadie said reassuringly, and walked towards the door, opening it quickly.

"Portia?" she questioned and my head shot up in surprise.

"Jude..."she said, and I got up.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her, and she sighed.

"I've been helping Darius find Lucy...I did, I found her, well I found her family...but she ran away...with her birth certificate..."she said, and my eyes widened.

"What?"

"I don't know where she is...I've got Private Investigators researching every train out of Grand Central.."I got up, starting to pace,"Um..."

The phone rang, and I glanced over at it, annoyed.

"This is Jude?"I said quietly.

"You're my one phone call, girl, and I think we need to have a little chat..."I sighed.

"Tommy I'm drunk.."I responded, and he laughed softly.

"Have Sadie drive you...and bring five thousand dollars..."I rolled my eyes.

"Because I just carry that much money around with me every day...I can't believe D had you arrested..."

"I broke his jaw..."he remarked,"And he broke my nose, I think...it hurts.."

"I'll be there soon, okay?" I said softly, pointing to Portia.

"Can you take me to the police station?" I asked her, and she frowned.

"The Police Station?" she questioned.

"Tommy I'll be there soon, I have to run by an ATM first okay?"

"Thank you...Jude I'm sorry I freaked out..."he started, and I ran a hand through my hair.

"We're not going to talk about this over the phone...I'll see you soon," I hung up, staring at Portia and Sadie.

"Sadie do you still have the ATM cards I left here at the house?" I asked, and she nodded.

"I have to bring Tommy's bail money..."I explained.

"Darius had him arrested?" Sadie questioned,"Nice..."she added.

"Well he's not exactly Tommy's biggest fan right now...and I'm not the biggest fan of him either..."I said softly, meeting Portia's eyes,"Let's go...we still have to run by the house and to an ATM..."

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Tommy stared at the bars in front of him, tapping his foot impatiently on the concrete beneath his loafers. This was going to be all over the news tomorrow, and Darius had more time to spin the story with his publicist then Tommy did. They had the same publicist.

Where was Jude? He knew she was angry, but she had said she was on her way an hour ago. And he was still sitting in the drunk tank, next to bikers and DWI arrests, all who were making jokes about his Boyz Attack days.

"Tommy..."he snapped his head up, and there was Sadie, her hands on her hips, as the man opened the jail door.

"Sadie..."he countered.

"There's press outside..that's why Jude's hiding out in the car...."she explained as they walked towards the door,"And you owe her five thousand dollars..."she added, annoyed, steering him towards the car.

"Tommy Q! Is it true you tried to murder your boss?" one reporter screamed,"And what about your midnight rendezvous with Jude Harrison?" he ignored the questions, jumping into the back of the car, seeing Jude against the window, asleep, drooling and snoring lightly.

"We should go to my house, it has a gate...we can at least get some rest..."

"Like you can rest after the amount of shots you had..."Portia responded, and his eyes widened.

"What the hell are you doing in this car? You tried to kill me!" Tommy responded, and Sadie frowned.

"Quincy shutup..."Jude mumbled, leaning over against him,"Fighting isntgonna help anything.."she slurred.

"I think she had more shots than I did, by the way..." Jude giggled slightly, her head in his lap.

"Just go to sleep, girl...."he breathed, and she nodded.

"Mmmmkay...."his eyes drifted closed, her hands reaching around his legs.

"It's on elm and fifth..."Jude supplied, yawning halfway through.

"Hmmm, okay.."Portia said, an edge to her voice.

"Leave it..."Tommy responded,"I'm serious Portia.."he added quietly, his hand stroking Jude's hair softly,"She's been through enough, both of us have..."

When they got to Tommy's, he lifted her up bridal style, carrying her towards the door.

"You guys can have the guest rooms..."he said simply,"I still have some of her pajamas...if you guys need..." Sadie and Portia shook their heads, following him into his house and to the kitchen.

"Jude..."he shook her shoulder softly, and she frowned.

"Just take me to your bed it's more comfortable..."she said into his ear, and his eyes widened.

"Jude..."he said softly, and she opened her eyes, staring up at him.

"Please?" she said softly.

"The bedrooms are behind the stairs...."he said, walking up the staircase with Jude, leaving Sadie and Portia alone.

"Three guesses as to what they're doing..."Sadie said under her breath.

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"How did you manage to get so drunk?" he asked me, a small smile on his face, setting me down on the bed and walking towards his dresser as I laid back, staring at the ceiling. I'd never noticed how textured the ceiling was in his room, metal tiles with intricate designs and recessed lighting. Nice. I was thinking too much. Mostly right now about how I wanted to jump Tommy. He looked so cute. All roughed up from his fight with Darius, which realistically I should be mad at him for. But he just looked so damn cute. I relaxed further into the pillows and stretched out languidly as he turned back towards me.

"I always loved your bed,"I remarked, completely lost in the moment, and he raised an eyebrow. I could tell he was thinking of a smartass response.

"That's because you always hogged it," he commented, pulling off his shirt and tossing me a pair of sweats as I gazed at him inquisitively. I set the sweats down next to me, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and stared up at him, our eyes meeting in the soft light of the room.

"I also liked your ceiling....I never had time to stare at it before," I said before I could stop myself, and drunkenly slapped my hand over my mouth, surprised at my own audacity.

"You're really, really drunk Jude," he responded, glancing down for a few moments before meeting my eyes again. His eyes were dark. I recognized the look. The sober part of my brain was telling me to stop, that sleeping together again was the most foolish idea I'd ever entertained. But I couldn't not set the bait for Tommy. I couldn't resist.

"What are you thinking about Quincy?" I questioned softly, a knowing smile on my face.

"You, mostly," he resonded, his speech halting as I pulled my shirt off, sliding on his band tee and staring at him as I unclasped my bra under my shirt, pulling it out and setting it next to me. I crossed my legs as he sat down on the edge of the bed, our weight making a small dent. I leant against him tiredly, suddenly remembering how much I'd had to drink and how late it was.

"I like those glasses on you..."he commented suddenly, staring over at me,and I snorted. I couldn't help myself. He laughed softly, and I doubled over with laugher, both of us trying to contain ourselves.

When we finally stopped, there were tears rolling down my cheeks and Tommys. We turned to face eachother, and he took off my glasses slowly.

"Jude," he said, his voice soft, and I glanced down, my drunkeness getting the best of me.

"There are other women in the house," I responded, my voice slightly slurred,"They were on the list..." I added, and color rose to Tommy's cheeks.

"Oh my God, you're blushing," I realized, and he reddened further.

"You still have the list?" he asked, and I nodded quickly, blinking to stop my dizziness.

"Yep, and I wrote my name in HUGE letters on it...after the first time we did it," I said unabashedly, and he fought back a laugh.

"Did it?" he laughed, and I giggled, hiccupping, putting a hand over my mouth in shock.

"It was pretty memorable," he commented, and I laid back, staring at the ceiling. I could feel his eyes on me.

"I don't think I've ever seen you look sexier than you do right now,"he said suddenly, and I snorted.

"Sexy? I really...I'm not a..."I glanced up at him from under my lashes, recognizing the look in his eyes.

"Oh don't you dare..."I breathed, before he jumped on me, tickling my sides, laughing.

"Tommy! Cut it out!"I squealed, and he pulled back, staring at me with lust filled eyes, again. I didn't stop him when he kissed me, but when his kisses moved to my neck, I voiced my opinion.

"Tommy I'm not here to fufill your girl in a band tee and short skirt fantasty!" I said, fighting back a laugh as our noses touched again. He leant down and pecked me softly on the lips, moving back down to my collarbone.

"Pigtails and glasses..."he said huskily, kissing the underside of my jaw and working up to my lips.

"Mmmmm...."I breathed, capturing his lips with my own, pulling him closer to me and wrapping my arms loosely around his neck, opening my legs so he could settle in between them.

And that's when he yanwed. I laughed softly, glancing down for a moment. I was starting to get a little more sober, finally. I could see him a little more clearly, and the lipstick from my kisses smeared across his face.

"We should probably get some sleep...." I ventured, and he frowned when I stared obsessively at his lips.

"Whats on my face?" he asked me, his tone serious, and I giggled.

"My lipstick," I breathed, leaning up and kissing him again,"Don't worry Tommy, I can figure out other ways to mark you if you wash it off."

"That still involves you getting out of those clothes right?" he asked tiredly, and I whacked him on the shoulder.

"You're a pervert," I commented, and he snorted as I took off my shoes, glasses, and skirt. I squeaked when he pulled me against his chest, undoing the pigtails and kissing my temple softly.

"Talk about the pot calling the kettle black," he countered, and I fought back a yawn.

"We have to sleep, tomorrow...."soberness flooded back to me as if it came in a tidal wave.

"Tomorrow's going to be hard, so are the days after that, but we've gotta stick together, we'll be okay..."he promised softly, brushing my hair back.

"Can you just help me forget? At least for a little while?" I breathed, staring up at him.

"Jude we're..."I shook my head.

"Just pretend none of that matters, okay? Just for tonight?" I asked softly, and he nodded.

"Okay, girl, just for tonight," he said, and I leant up, kissing him softly and sucking on his lower lip, my tounge coming up to part the crease in his lips. Our tounges dueled languidly as he pushed me against the matress, my legs wrapping around his waist tightly.

"God, Tommy," I whispered, as he pulled his shirt over his head, and then mine, pressing against me again as he reached for my underwear, pulling it down my legs jerkily and finally ripping it.

"Those were-"he cut me off.

"I'll get you new-" he pushed into me, and I sighed, resting my head against his shoulder.

He sped up quickly, and I rocked against him as quickly as my body would allow, trying to fight back cries.

"Oh my God," I whispered, biting his shoulder as I climaxed, convulsing against him as he groaned in my ear, spilling into me.

I panted, trying to regain my breath, and kissed his neck and then his lips, leaning back to stare up at him.

"Thank you," I breathed, and he kissed my forehead.

"Anytime," he said, and I smiled up at him tiredly.

"Lets get the rest of our clothes off and go to bed," I murmered in his ear, and he smiled.

"We smell,"he pointed out, and I yawned.

"I like the way I smell," I responded softly, kissing him again.

"Can't argue with that one," he said, removing my skirt slowly and then my heels, kissing each ankle and then coming up to lay behind me.

"Goodnight, girl," he breathed, and I leant back against him, grabbing his hands in mine tightly.

"Goodnight," he whispered, kissing my temple gently.

When we woke up, it was to a pounding on the door. I groaned, burrowing my head into Tommy's shoulder, wrapping my arms tightly around him and trying to ignore the noise. It continued. I moaned, and Tommy pulled the covers over us as if to block the light.

"JUDE!" it was Sadie, and she sounded pissed. I pulled the covers down as she continued to pound on the door.

"Girl, there's pounding..." Tommy whispered, and I yawned.

"I'll go talk to her, okay?" I said, and stood up, searching for his sweats.

"Your old jeans are in the closet," he said, pulling a pillow over his head as Sadie continued to pound on the door.

"Sadie could you knock it off?" I yelled, and she stopped,"I'll be right out! Give me five minutes okay?" she didn't respond, and I walked into Tommy's gigantic closet, searching out my old corner for clothes and finding a cardboard box with my name on it. At least he didn't keep them hanging up. I opened the box as quietly as I could, and found an old sweatshirt, jeans, and a pair of flip flops, slipping them on quickly. It was like looking back in time.

I walked over to the bed, where Tommy was once again sleeping soundly, and brushed hair out of his forehead.

"Hey," he said huskily, and I leant down, kissing him quickly.

"Hi," I breathed, sitting on the edge of the bed,"I'm going to talk to her, see what we need to do....I'll make you some toast, try to take a shower and get some clothes on okay?" he nodded.

"Okay, girl," I squeezed his hand lightly, and walked to the bathroom to wash my face before facing the others. For some reason I was nervous.

She was glaring me as I left the room. I sighed, staring at her.

"What, Sadie?" I snapped, leaning against the doorframe.

"Is he still asleep?" I shrugged.

"I told him to take a shower, I'm not his keeper," I shot back.

"You have to go back to London after this, you know that..."she started.

"Do you? We haven't talked in years Sadie, I can walk out or pay out my contract at any time..." I said back, walking towards the kitchen and pouring myself a cup of coffee.

"Look, we need to hit the ground running on finding Lucy, Jude...I've contacted her adoptive mom and she's willing to release her back to the state," I frowned," Apparently she's quite a handful," she added, judging my expression. A handful. A handful who was God knows where doing God knows what because of Darius.

"But we don't know where she is, Sadie, we don't...how are we supposed to find her?" I breathed, my nervousness getting the best of her.

"I have a picture," she slid the photo to me across the counter, and I scanned it, my eyes filling with tears before I pushed it back.

"That's her?" I asked. my voice shaking, and Sadie nodded quickly.

"Look, Darius is still willing to help,"she said, and I sighed.

"What else could we do?" I ventured, and she frowned.

"Press release?" she questioned, and I shook my head quickly.

"No. That'll just put her in more danger," Tommy said tiredly, standing in the doorway, pulling a sweater over his head, already mostly dressed, obviously fresh from a shower. He came up beside me, and I grabbed his hand.

"Look," I pointed at the picture, and his eyes got blank, staring at it.

"Tommy," I said two minutes later, and he glanced up at me.

"I think we should look for her ourselves," he ventured, and Sadie snorted.

_Okay, I know. Longest update ever. Is anyone still interested in this? haha._

_I've written the end. Its in Albuquerque though and Im on the east cost, so probably next to none with the updates until I get back on April 12th. Perhaps then. Maybe a little after._

_Please let me know what you think though! _

_Thank youuuu! _

_~Jena_


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